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1. Don't spend a lot on a wedding gift if the invitations mention "bowling shoes."

2. Never trust a doctor who is wearing flashing "Deely-bobbers."

3. Never send a woman to do a man's job, unless the woman can do it better.
Never send a man to do a woman's job. Ever.

4. If you lose something in a house with small children, always look in the toilet, dryer and refrigerator, regardless of what the item is.

5. There's no such thing as a good name for a cat.

6. The job unrelated to your position that you were just given will be added to your job description later.

7. If we describe drunkards by saying that they "drink like a fish," then what do fish drink like?

8. Ivory soap is "99 and 44/100% pure" what?

9. Political correctness is like quantum physics: The more you explain it, the less sense it makes.

10. Your dog does not envy you at all.

11. If OJ was framed, who did the lousy matting job?

12. Would animal rights activists be happy if we developed a breed of beef cattle that could commit suicide?

13. Regardless of his motives, one can reasonably assume that Dr. Jack Kevorkian does NOT work for free.

14. If an elephant is a mouse designed by a committee, then a shark cage is a catcher's mask designed by a safety committee.

15. You can tell if a Harvard graduate has been using your computer if you find Liquid PaperŪ on your monitor's screen.

16. Being altruistic is a great way to make yourself look good.

17. There is no point in telling a hermaphrodite to go screw himself.

18. Should the tombstone of an atheist read, "All dressed up and nowhere to go"?

19. The Academy Award statuette was named when someone commented that it looked just like her Uncle Oscar. He must have been bald too.

20. Haven't we known Mr. Clean long enough to call him by his first name?

21. If the police and a TV crew are at your door, it's probably not good news.

22. If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

23. In Norse mythology, "getting hammered" was NOT a good thing.

24. If someone tells you that you can lose weight by eating a more, smaller meals, remember that the blue whale feeds on tiny plankton.

25. Why don't keynote speakers sing?

26. If you want to guarantee failure, try to show off.

27. If everything has a purpose, explain that of gerbils. (Owl food?)

28. Was Yukon Jack formulated by Jack Daniel on the way to Alaska?

29. Why would I want to get on a plane when it is so much more comfortable inside it? (Thanks to George Carlin)

30. Is it insulting to make a cow wear a leather collar, or to give a pig a football?

31. When a sheep is graduated from college, what does it get? It already has a sheepskin...

32. Little Bo Peep used to be Mary's baby-sitter.

33. If an atheist died and went to Heaven, would he say "Oops!"?

34. It's hard to putt if you have both hands wrapped around your throat.

35. Whoever invented the doily needed another hobby.

36. The person that you never met before and just offended is your new boss.

37. Your cat also does not envy you.

38. The motor vehicle department is afraid of getting a speeding ticket.

39. We could have an extra month per year if they took the 8s off the calendar.

40. We used to tie our belts and buckle our shoes. When and how did we screw this up?

41. Is it time to forget the Alamo yet? We already forgot the Maine.

42. I have always spent more time on my feet when babysitting.

43. Did Richard Nixon always look constipated or what?

44. OJ WAS framed. For what other reason was he hanged?

45. A dyslexic dog may have a messianic complex.

46. I'd rather be dumb than ugly. I can always learn.

47. A man can learn humility in the shower room of a gym.

48. Did you ever notice that both doctors and the violently insane wear long-sleeved white coats?

49. Since professional sports are a business and both the owners and the athletes are in it for the money, we should call contests between teams "transactions."

50. If you think education is expensive...you're damned right!

51. CEOs of most major corporations make several million dollars a year. The annual salary of the President of the United States is less than $250,000. We get what we pay for, I guess.

52. How do you throw away an old garbage can?

53. When my daughter broke her Barbie doll, I called a plastic surgeon.

54. If the bullet hits the suspect, it is NOT a "warning shot."

55. It is not really an insult to call a male jerk a "dick."

56. If you live in a downstairs apartment, the unit upstairs will always have a leaky tub, toilet or sink.

57. You will not find a usable public toilet if you have diarrhea.

58. An airline will not lose your luggage unless something important or valuable is inside.

59. Bananas find nothing exciting about being stripped naked.

60. Do lizards ever go out for a piece of tail?

61. Do not give Cherry Preserves to a recently-deflowered ex-virgin.

62. If you pick your nose while stopped at a traffic light, a beautiful woman will be looking at you.

63. You will not change lanes without looking unless a motorcycle is already there.

64. If you will have 90 minutes at your destination to make a connecting flight, the plane you are on will be delayed two hours.

65. You get just as wet running in the rain as if you had walked. You look dumber, too.

66. If you are really, truly ugly, there is no point in owning a watch, clock or camera.

67. Giving your honey a dozen roses is just another way of saying, "I love you so much I had to murder twelve flowers."

68. No doctor will tell you that laughter is the best medicine. They can't bill you for it.

69. Has anyone ever been bitten by a houndstooth coat?

70. The sum of your student loans will exceed the annual salary of the first job you get after your college graduation.

71. Will we need an alien attack á la "Independence Day" to control overpopulation?

72. Always answer "Yes" when someone asks, "What are you, stupid?"

73. If you are on a first date at an expensive restaurant, you will sneeze a huge loogie into your date's water glass.

74. Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself. You need the practice.

75. Do not allow knives into your bedroom.

76. Weed-eaters don't really eat weeds, but "Weed Slasher" is not very appealing in an aesthetic sense.

77. If guns are outlawed, not only will only outlaws have guns, but they will have had much more practice in using them.

78. Should you shake hands with a quadriplegic?

79. Before the TV commercials, how many people actually cared about their cat's urinary tract health?

80. Sponsors of professional sports should be called "athletic supporters."

81. Is "Pound Puppy" a brand name or a command?

82. Getting people to follow a workplace safety program is like eating soup with a pair of knitting needles.

83. When was the last time you heard about a robbery at a shoe repair shop?

84. If you play ping pong by yourself, are you playing "ping" or "pong"?

85. The popularity of Pac Man can be understood if you remember that the object of the game is to eat as many pills as possible, and you can only eat the monsters if you eat a special pill first.

86. With someone else's money, we are all fearless gamblers.

87. Can Prince Charles or Ross Perot run down a hill without taking off?

88. Contrary to advertising belief, sex does not sell. It just gets the consumer in the mood to be screwed.

89. If you awaken to find yourself blind and have difficulty breathing, turn over.

90. A sadist would tell a masochist, "I refuse to beat you."

91. If George Washington really had wooden teeth, did he get too much fiber in his diet?

92. The most difficult task of all is to throw a booger.

93. No woman I know ever talked to her mother about tampons like they do on TV. Imagine if condom commercials were done the same:
Son: "Dad, you ever feel, well, badly wrapped?"
Dad: "Sure, son. Nine months before you were born."

94. Welfare checks should be 3' by 5'.

95. You will no longer be against the death penalty when a road crew fires up a jackhammer in front of your house at 5 a.m.

96. You can lead a horse to water, but if he wants it, he'll find it himself without your help.

97. Democrats are the best lovers. They screw people better than anyone.

98. Do you have to be a masochist to like beets?

99. Given today's political climate, the SPCA will eventually demand bottled water for goldfish.

100. If you think a woman means "yes" when she says "No," then why ask if she's HIV-positive?

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