bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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101. In some places, getting a hold of yourself can get you arrested.

102. Animal groups:
A gaggle of geese,
a pride of lions,
a covey of quail,
a handful of masturbators?

103. If you hate to play the piano, pet a piranha.

104. Do we study the sexual habits of animals to get new ideas?

105. Does a cucumber think that it's sexy?

106. Did they start calling baseballs hit out of bounds "foul" because they used to go into pastures bordering the field?

107. Every brand name you can think of was made up by somebody on purpose.

108. If you buy into evolution, then you should grant special rights to apes as "developmentally-disabled pre-humans."

109. There is no use complaining about the earth. What do you expect for something this big that was built, without blueprints, in six days?

110. We're the worst maintenance crew this planet ever had. It's a wonder that we haven't been fired yet.

111. Why do football umpires wear vertical black-and-white stripes, but those in baseball wear black and in hockey, white? Does anyone think that we will get them confused?

112. If your name is not gender-neutral, you will never be completely politically correct.

113. I can respect an able-bodied person with a disabled license plate who parks in a regular space and walks the extra distance.

114. If you're the only barber in town, who cuts YOUR hair?

115. I read recently that there are no words in the English language that rhyme with month, orange, silver, and purple. We should try harder. Here are my suggestions, with their meanings:
*-bunth=an old biscuit or roll.
*-morange=a citrus-flavored beaten-egg froth used as a pie topping.
*-pilver=a blade used for cutting medicine tablets.
*-burple=a long, slow release of gastric gas through the mouth and anus simultaneously.

116. We shake hands, we shake a leg, we shake our hips, we shake our heads, we Shake 'N' Bake. There's a whole lotta shakin' going on.

117. If you want people to stay awake during your meetings, stay awake while preparing them.

118. If dogs mated face-to-face, what would be the "missionary position"?

119. Because certain chemicals can cause latex to break down, and some people have latex allergies, why not make condoms out of neoprene or nitrile?

120. A smart military officer knows that it is less important to protect his generals than it is to protect his privates.

121. I'd never drive a car formerly owned by a coke dealer. I'd be afraid that it would snort the white lines up off the street.

122. At birth, my son commented on the experience by almost immediately urinating and defecating all over the bed. (Absolutely true story)

123. We have the most time to have fun when we are least able to enjoy it.

124. How flat IS a mackerel?

125. For "the test of time," what do you study?

126. Which came first: the name for the color "orange" or the name for the fruit "orange"?

127. If you are afraid of locking your keys in your car, get a convertible and keep the top down.

128. Never wear two pair of briefs at the same time.

129. If you have two courses that you need to take, their schedules will conflict.

130. I think I think; therefore, I think I am.

131. You never get an aneurysm when you really need one.

132. Eve should have known that the snake was bad. Wouldn't you if it was sticking its tongue out at you all the time?

133. Bald eagles symbolize the United States, but they kill unsuspecting creatures for food. Is this our future?

134. The likelihood that you will split your pants is directly proportional to the embarrassment that it would cause you. (Cleaning your sock drawer, never. Meeting your company's chairman, bet on it.)

135. For someone to say, "You eat like a bird" is NOT a compliment.

136. What's the average speed of molasses in winter?

137. For that matter, how cold is a witch's breast?

138. The Yugo should have been called "Yuwalk."

139. Breasts on a bull are more useless than a screen door on a submarine.

140. When used properly, a crutch can actually be quite humorous.

141. You are probably too stupid to realize how stupid you are.

142. God made Eve from a rib because Adam needed everything else.

143. Would a cow get silicone udder implants?

144. If you think keeping a diaper on your child can be tough, imagine the problems a mother snake must have.

145. Daihatsu should have known that "Charade" is not a good car name.

146. If a rottweiler is eating one of your shoes, give him the other and go buy another pair. Quickly.

147. If you are bitten on the penis by a rattlesnake, you deserve to die.

148. The more expensive the video game, the greater the disappointment.

149. If you cannot return it, borrow it instead of buying it.

150. Your worst sneezing fit will come immediately upon the absence of facial tissues, toilet tissue and clean towels and rags in your home.

151. The phone will not ring until you pick up the newspaper.

152. If "sodomy" is defined in part as having sex with animals, then all animals commit sodomy, don't they?

153. Men fantasize about their female friends. That is why they have female friends.

154. That essential receipt was thrown out in last night's trash.

155. Women prove every day that there are advantages to being testosterone-deficient.

156. Surfing must have been invented by accident. Same goes for Jell-O.

157. Since you can get to Rhode Island without a boat or plane, it isn't really an island, is it?

158. California should be able to buy out its contract by now.

159. If you need it today, it will be delivered tomorrow.
If you need it next month, it will be delivered tomorrow.
If you do not need it at all, it will be delivered tomorrow.
If you need it tomorrow, it will be mistaken for a bomb in Singapore and blown up, but you will never know this.

160. Attractive women should not be allowed to dress attractively when we are with our wives. They get us into trouble.

161. If an angry person demands, "Do you want a piece of me?" ask for a little red off the neck.

162. When constipated, we are all brothers.

163. Do animals that supposedly mate for life commit adultery?

164. Permit same-sex marriages but prohibit same-sex divorces.

165. Cats don't claw your cheap furniture. Dogs don't chew on cheap shoes.

166. People only get better with age like fine wines if you stomp them mercilessly, then shut them up in a dark, humid, oaken cask for several years. Most people do not see this as a viable self-improvement strategy.

167. "Golf" spelled backwards is "flog." This is not a coincidence.

168. If salt were black, it would be harder to grab the right shaker in a hurry.

169. If chickens could write neatly, would you still call it "chicken scratch"?

170. Little Red Riding Hood was looking for trouble.

171. The walls really do have ears. Just be grateful that they don't have mouths.

172. In Washington, D.C., to "take a leak" has a different meaning.

173. I will never understand why men got so upset years ago about Janet Guthrie driving in the Indy 500. I thought men liked fast women.

174. A piñata should not be illuminated internally.

175. Many fish spend all their lives in schools, and still don't learn to avoid fishing lines.

176. Why do they want the address of my person to contact in case of emergency? What are they going to do? Send a postcard?

177. If you could perform oral sex on yourself, would the taste matter to YOU?

178. Lusting in your heart is not a problem. Lusting is your pants is.

179. Should a Canada Goose carry a passport?

180. If I were ever knighted, I would change my name to Tinly Knott. Then, when someone asked, "May I have your name?", I could say "Sir Tinly Knott."

181. Sometimes, getting dressed in the dark is an advantage.

182. Some people should never be seen or photographed in their underwear.

183. I'd hate to have to change the diapers they put on mounted patrol horses.

184. The kiwi tastes pretty good for looking like a ball of manure.

185. Hockey skates were invented for dweebs like me who trip from the teeth on the front of figure skates.

186. It's hard to look cool when you don't know what you're doing.

187. I'd rather NOT be lucky than smart. Being smart will keep you from facing a firing squad instead of hoping that all of them will miss.

188. If you can't identify it, don't eat it.

189. If the name contains the word "United," it isn't (United States, United Nations, etc.).

190. Imagine if dogs could REALLY kiss...

191. One of the good things about Bill Clinton being President is that we don't have to worry about him driving his own car.

192. Do celebrities miss being able to shop at Kmart without being mobbed?

193. When you get a bigger desk or office, you get more paper to fill it.

194. If you get a new title but not a raise, it isn't a promotion.

195. You always remember one more thing you need when you're at the checkout counter.

196. Would a prostitute enjoy sex if THEY had to pay for it?

197. You never have car trouble in a good neighborhood.

198. If "you could train a monkey to do that," why don't you?

199. If you have an immediate need for a certain piece of paper, it will vanish from the face of the earth until one hour after you no longer need it. You will then find at least two copies.

200. I can't wait until someone vomits on-stage at the Oscars.

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