bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one ultimate bad joke

kiribati

join the acme yacht club,
for sailors of misfortune!

this button space is donated as a public service.

click on any horizontal rule to return here

201. Seven letters on a vanity plate isn't enough to prove how stupid you can be, but some people do a good job under those constraints.

202. Of course I can change a tire. I just keep forgetting the baby wipes.

203. Athletes would try harder if the losing team got whipped after the game.

204. At Disneyland, you can almost hear the laughter over the ringing cash registers.

205. It's been thirty years and we still can't duplicate any of the technology from Star Trek.

206. If Norman Rockwell had a scheduling problem, would they have called it "The Sunday Evening Post" instead?

207. A bird in the hand will crap in it.

208. The biggest sponsors of break-dancing should have been chiropractors.

209. It's okay to talk to yourself. Just don't answer. Okay? (Okay.)

210. Brakes only fail when going downhill.

211. The hole in your bathroom tile has a camera in it. You broke it the first time you showered.

212. Of course small dogs shake all the time. If everyone was fifty times your size, you'd be nervous too.

213. If it were closer, illegal immigrants would probably skip the U.S. and go straight to Canada.

214. Having dual citizenship may create dual military obligations.

215. Your car will break down in a tow-away zone.

216. If Ben Franklin got his way and turkeys were our national bird, what would we eat on Thanksgiving?

217. Never buy a child something that fits perfectly if you expect him to wear it more than once.

218. You know you're overweight if you can't stand up and see your shoes without bending over.

219. Why should any sane person try to ride an irritated bull for eight seconds?

220. In Israel, do they celebrate the Catholic Mass in Hebrew?

221. Testicles have lousy neighbors: one's a butthole, the other's a dick.

222. Don't have a cow. Have a calf.

223. If you order something by mail, you will not want it by the time it arrives.

224. How do these women with grotesquely large breasts sleep?

225. Tap dancing had the first point-and-click interface.

226. There are far too many gas stations and ATMs to get away with the old "I ran out of gas" routine with your date.

227. The rental car company will run out of the Lincoln Town Car you reserved and offer you a Ford Festiva at the same rate.

228. If you think a woman eating a banana is sexy, pay close attention when she bites down...all the way through it.

229. Nobody looks intelligent while holding a stringer of fish.

230. If they had lived at the same time, cavemen could have used bazookas on dinosaurs.

231. Do analog watches get ticked off?

232. I'd rather wake up next to someone I don't recognize than wake up next to someone I do recognize and completely despise.

233. I bet the lives of nuns wouldn't really be rated "G".

234. Why are there STILL no ejector seats available for passenger cars?

235. You know your car is slow if a Winnebago passes you going uphill.

236. Is it cannibalism for a dachshund to eat a hot dog?

237. Never pump gas in leather pants.

238. At church, put a loaf of bread and a fish in the collection plate.

239. If you were going faster than the speed of sound and something got in your way, why honk the horn?

240. Just once, I'd like to see Michael Jackson do the Charleston.

241. You aren't a serious rapper if you haven't been shot to death.

242. You'll have a better chance of finding your car in a parking lot if you wait until the store has been closed for an hour.

243. The only thing worse than losing your mind is finding someone else's.

244. Why don't zookeepers train lions and tigers to use a litter box?

245. There's a reason that fish smell badly.

246. I'm waiting for movies to be called, "Guaranteed Oscar Loser," "The Worst Movie Ever Made," or "Sybil vs. Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil and Sybil."

247. Now really, if the Death Star exploded, would you be able to hear it?

248. If you have a seizure at Six Flags, someone will try to ride you.

249. In Mexico, is Taco Bell considered to be American Food?

250. A tree is just a successful bush.

251. Too much sex makes you forget ... ummm ... something or other...

252. Are Heaven's pearly gates intended to keep the riffraff out?

253. For all its uses, paper money still stinks.

254. Who would tell Charles Manson that his fly was open?

255. Godzilla knew the best way to compete with Japan.

256. You always forget to stop the tape if you have to use the toilet while watching a video.

257. I'd rather not hear about the cotton crotch in pantyhose.

258. I was playing Doctor and got sued for malpractice by another kid playing Lawyer.

259. You think of the best snappy comebacks ten minutes later.

260. Washers do, dryers don't, refrigerators might.

261. Mr. Potato Head and Mr. Peanut are related.

262. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen the rest of the day...to the toad.

263. The "Fasten Seat Belts" sign comes on just before you need to use the lavatory. All of the lavatories will be occupied anyway.

264. Please don't fart in the elevator.

265. In China, is it an insult to tell someone, "You're dog meat"?

266. Secretly, we love to see football referees get creamed.

267. Why are children so fascinated with their nostrils?

268. You never hear warnings that are directed at you.

269. If there is intelligent life in the universe, you won't find it here. Evidence: At the press conference following Mickey Mantle's liver transplant, a reporter asked the doctor about the condition of the donor.

270. The National Park Service shouldn't charge admission to see what nature made.

271. How did apples get the reputation for being a doctor repellent?

272. Somebody could be using your phone while you sleep.

273. Rare is the topless dancer who doesn't look bored to death.

274. One of the drawbacks of training a puppy to defecate on newspaper is that he may defecate on the newspaper before he brings it in.

275. Sometimes, I want to dive to the ground and cover my head just to see how many people copy me.

276. If you sharpened the inside edge of a Hula Hoop...

277. How did James Bond avoid sexually-transmitted diseases?

278. Is a straight tomato a vegetable and a gay tomato a fruit?

279. We'd be much lazier if elevators went left and right too.

280. You will walk away from a slot machine less than five minutes before it hits a jackpot.

281. If you have good news, nobody really wants to hear it.

282. Fantasy is reality's anti-matter.

283. Do dogfish chase catfish?

284. A banana looks a little like a yellow turd, tapered ends and all.

285. If a salmon never swam upstream to spawn, would it live forever?

286. Monkeys who eat lots of bananas probably don't get muscle cramps.

287. There has to be a better way of making pants than to align the rear seam with the anal crevice.

288. Football on TV makes more sense with the sound off.

289. That the G. stood for Walter in Maynard G. Krebs (from Dobie Gillis) only proves that people did drugs in the fifties too. (Thanks to Steve for correcting this one. I thought the G. sttod for Howard!)

290. Most inventions are born from the desire to become lazier.

291. If you back into your garage, do not back out.

292. The thickness of a dead animal is proportional to the speed of the vehicle that hit it (fast car = thick, slow car = thin).

293. Never plan an outdoor wedding in Oklahoma or Nebraska.

294. It was a determined soul who figured out how to make a turnip edible.

295. Why is tennis played on a court, but the senior official is not the "judge"?

296. The accident ahead that is blocking your way to an important meeting almost never contains the people with whom you are to meet.

297. If the dress code isn't "black tie," the penguins won't show up.

298. If you're Russian, what's the hurry?

299. The phone rings after you leave.

300. Publishers Clearing House doesn't tell you that you very probably are NOT a winner.

[home][web design and development][writings][stores][about us][donations]