bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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301. If vacuum cleaners weren't loud, you wouldn't think that they were working.

302. If "seeding" is putting in seeds, why isn't "weeding" putting in weeds?

303. Never feel your way through a mousetrap factory.

304. The traffic report comes on the radio after you've passed the last turnoff before a huge traffic jam.

305. Expensive sunglasses are much more likely to be scratched, sat on or lost. Cheap sunglasses are forever.

306. Avoid dentists who use Sears Craftsman drills.

307. Bob Vila could probably build a damned strong house of cards.

308. If it has to say "genuine," it probably isn't.

309. "Hand-crafted" doesn't mean what it used to.

310. A golfer almost always gets a good bounce off of someone's head.

311. Nobody asks for change for a nickel anymore.

312. Cut down on postage by attaching helium balloons to your parcels.

313. Should a deaf-mute try to talk with his hands full?

314. Of course Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." She'd never been out of Kansas.

315. Just how hot is Hell anyway?

316. Nobody will steal the car that you truly hate, even if you leave the keys in it.

317. You can never be too close to a telephone.

318. Just wait until we need smart cards to buy electronic stamps for our email...

319. I wouldn't walk a mile for a Camel unless Cindy Crawford was naked on its back.

320. Large-breasted women should not jog or play tennis.

321. The San Francisco Giants don't look that big to me.

322. Don't wave a firearm in a bank or airport.

323. Aren't you glad that you don't have to spell everything that you eat?

324. Baked Alaska could flood the earth.

325. Nobody expects a solid chocolate bunny.

326. Gaining weight costs a lot. It forces you to buy a new wardrobe.

327. Teaneck, NJ; Poughkeepsie, NY; Why, AZ: Who named these places?

328. Defecation donors are also often defecation acceptors. (Also stated as: "Those who give a shit, take shit)

329. Never go around to the side of a police station to urinate.

330. Poundcake is a dessert for sadists.

331. No, I wouldn't really rather have a Buick.

332. The most ridiculous team name in pro sports is the Utah Jazz.

333. About the only thing wrong with public education is that the public is involved.

334. They no longer put warning labels on George Carlin albums, but his language hasn't changed...

335. Never be too drunk to remember that a police car is not a taxi.

336. The bloopers are more entertaining than the movie.

337. Never urinate while bathing in the Amazon. There is a VERY good reason for this.

338. Why don't the Boston Red Sox wear red socks?

339. Avoid greeting persons named "Jack" inside an airport. (Hi, Jack!)

340. We all wished that Oliver North's attorney WAS a potted plant, right?

341. If the team hadn't moved, would Brooklyn have loved Lasorda as much as LA did?

342. Logically speaking, Jesus Christ MUST have created Holy Shit.

343. If your boss knew everything that you do every day, you'd be on the street in a minute.

344. When a report is filled with half-truths, it is convenient to assume that they are all lies.

345. A White Supremacist's power is centered in his hair. That's why most are nearly bald.

346. You wouldn't believe the government if they 'fessed up to the Roswell Incident.

347. The only way to have surgery at a reasonable hour without starving yourself is to get into an accident.

348. The same person who cannot sleep unless the room is pitch dark will be the first to complain to the city about a blown-out street lamp.

349. Someone will put their refrigerator magnet collection on your cassette tape music collection.

350. A guillotine works great for cutting melons.

351. My worst nightmare always happens when I'm awake.

352. Parrots will embarrass you if they can.

353. It is bad form to keep a shovel or SCUBA outfit in your golf bag.

354. On a trip, you will have to buy at least one item that you need but forgot to pack.

355. When returning from a trip, you will have left behind at least one of the following: toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, razor, curling iron, blow dryer, bathing suit, sunglasses, young child.

356. Always carry identification when going to the zoo. This ensures that they will let you out.

357. If you won't eat it, your kids probably won't either.

358. Sharpened Popsicles make lousy throwing knives.

359. You won't see the policy outlining a new termination offense until you have violated it.

360. Never eat anything that has a half-life.

361. What was the economic benefit to Canada of our Vietnam-era draft dodgers?

362. It always rains on YOUR parade.

363. You cannot graciously drop a bowling ball.

364. Imagine what Frankenstein's Monster Truck would look like...

365. Don't serve my food on a bed of lettuce. I don't want it getting more rest than I do.

366. I hate it when someone I don't know calls me by my first name.

367. Most golfers play with a swing and a prayer.

368. Should nurses wear masks and gloves when doing needlepoint?

369. Rush Limbaugh in a g-string...

370. Writing your own wedding vows gives you the chance to leave out the "faithful" part.

371. How do we know that a black widow spider isn't really a white widow spider in mourning?

372. If you have a hairy back, have someone shave a design into it.

373. Your swimsuit never comes off if you're swimming alone.

374. Greenland was named by someone with a wicked sense of humor.

375. Put Velcro on the strings of your tennis racket.

376. Never date someone who has underwear with "This space for rent" printed on it.

377. Did Frank Sinatra have a shirt that says on the reverse, "Old Blue Eyes's Back"?

378. Why did they call it "Star Wars" when the only two established stars in the film, Alec Guinness and Peter Cushing, never actually fought?

379. Nobody throws diseases at me, but somehow I still catch them.

380. Month-old bagels may be cut to size, painted and used in some poorer hockey leagues.

381. I'd pay to see Julia Child hurl during a taping.

382. "Denmark" is an anagram for "Kramden." Hmmmm...

383. You are truly desperate if you will have sex on a bed of nails.

384. At what place WOULD you be caught dead, then?

385. Never put Nair on a tarantula.

386. If they used golf balls in baseball, the field would have to be much bigger.

387. You almost never see a football team punt on first down.

388. "I'll try" is not the proper response in a wedding.

389. After this long, how do you tell Philadelphia that they spelled their baseball team's name wrong?

390. Would you recognize the back of your hand in a line-up?

391. Thanks to Fox, the bubble-headed rich kids in Beverly Hills know their own ZIP code (90210, right?).

392. At what time do the cows come home?

393. Bell curves do not always ring true.

394. Pain is primitive biofeedback.

395. Lucky for us that David Robinson was too tall to be a fighter pilot, eh?

396. Diet drinks taste bad so you won't drink them as often.

397. Isn't "Lucky Strike" an odd name for a cigarette?

398. If pigs are so smart, and those who know say they are, you compliment men every time you say that men are pigs.

399. Never wipe your nose with a sandwich bag.

400. If it's black at Midnight, why is the color called midnight blue?

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