bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one ultimate bad joke

kiribati

join the acme yacht club,
for sailors of misfortune!

this button space is donated as a public service.

click on any horizontal rule to return here

401. If your cellular phone rings during a moment of silence, do you answer it or let it ring?

402. Why do doctors only cut two tubes on men, but on dogs, they take everything out, leaving the dog holding the bag, as it were?

403. Never go to a grocery store and buy only a cucumber and a jar of Vaseline.

404. If every vehicle had a backup alarm, they wouldn't be very effective anymore.

405. Would Thomas Jefferson be amazed or disgusted today?

406. Be a designated driver. It's more fun to stay sober and laugh at the drunks.

407. Why can't you pay for clams with sand dollars?

408. Keep a messy house. They can't steal what they can't find.

409. Your beneficiaries should be paying for your life insurance.

410. The last superstar athlete that I could respect was Secretariat.

411. If a donkey could sew, would it hem and haw?

412. Should the impact crater of a comet be called a snow cone?

413. What does a puppy have to do with "puppy love"?

414. We should never have had to see Presidents Carter or Clinton in jogging shorts.

415. Due to Sidney Poitier's appointment as Bahamian ambassador to Japan, one film will be renamed "They Call Me His Excellency Tibbs."

416. Are there sharks in Finland?

417. I recommend general anesthesia for a vasectomy.

418. For all we know, the "Big Bang" could have been no more powerful than a firecracker.

419. Kerri Strug has earned the nickname "Pogo."

420. It has always bothered me that the government started using zinc instead of copper when it cost a penny to make a penny.

421. If a female figure skater can't do a triple Axel, so what?

422. I think I'll invent Grease Hockey. If only I can come up with a skate design and get a detergent company for a sponsor...

423. Why do my Nike Air Gridstar cross-trainers have the Swoosh logo in nine places and the word "Air" in three?

424. During the Civil War, were any Confederate towns renamed from "Lincoln" to "Davis"? Or from "Grant" to "Lee"?

425. Vote against an incumbent President only if there is clearly a reason to remove him.

426. Rich people who could afford it wouldn't give everybody in the country a dollar because they know that $265 million pointed in one direction does more work.

427. If you shaved a peach, would it get hairier?

428. The next big disease to hit the entertainment industry will undercut the current level of funding for AIDS research.

429. They don't really have freedom of the press in basketball either.

430. Every pitcher has a perfect game going in his pre-game warm-up throws.

431. Could a schizophrenic lawyer represent both parties in a lawsuit?

432. Nothing that you need in an emergency can be found on sale.

433. If you paid over $30 for a Tickle Me Elmo, it's laughing at YOU.

434. Would a macrowave oven cook from the outside in?

435. From what material would a cow make a wallet?

436. If left to themselves, safety problems get worse.

437. They should change the signs to say "Nearly Stop."

438. How do you pronounce the name/symbol of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince?

439. Knowing the meaning of a word doesn't mean that you can use it in a sentence.

440. Do judges have black bathrobes?

441. You never accidentally see someone naked that you would really like to see naked.

442. What do Frisbee golf clubs look like?

443. You almost have to be a structural engineer to be a Hollywood dress designer anymore.

444. Do pornographic film stars wear pajamas to bed?

445. Bill Clinton should practice safe sax.

446. You're better off falling at the Olympics than doing your best and losing.

447. Should a Martian have to file taxes as a nonresident alien?

448. When does my state get invited to a state dinner at the White House?

449. You wouldn't have the "zip, zip" noise of corduroy pants if the ribs ran horizontal.

450. There is no excuse for a bad excuse.

451. "Maybe" is not an appropriate response at a wedding.

452. If you have a weak constitution, how do you amend it?

453. "Canada Dry" is a better brand name for an anti-perspirant.

454. Is it cannibalism to eat a frankfurter in Frankfurt? Or a hamburger in Hamburg?

455. I've never tasted a tortilla that seemed destined to end up in a bag of Doritos.

456. If you didn't win the semi-final heat, you probably won't win the final heat either.

457. I don't care what anyone says: a football just doesn't look like a ball to me.

458. If you bring a fielder's glove to a baseball game, would you bring a guitar to a concert?

459. Would you trust an optometrist that looked like Marty Feldman?

460. You never have the tool you need, but the neighbor you hate does.

461. Your hernia doesn't count until after surgery.

462. There is always something to eat in your house. The problem is that not all of it is food.

463. Since NAFTA passed, do I still need money in Mexico?

464. The doggie in the window costs too much.

465. Was Panama Jack on Noriega's payroll?

466. Fighting with your spouse is a job requirement.

467. "You cannot simultaneously prepare for and prevent war," Einstein said, but there's more money in it that way.

468. Explain to me why there are Braille signs on ATMs with video screens that the blind cannot possibly read.

469. Have you ever noticed that most people with disabled license plates or placards are NOT in wheelchairs?

470. If you only bet on a sure thing, you aren't really gambling.

471. Why do Dodge cars and trucks get hit? Shouldn't they be able to avoid it?

472. The Sierra Club is anti-evolution.

473. Just try to find an adhesive measuring tape...

474. I cannot fly a flag. No matter how hard I run, it drags along the ground.

475. The mouse on my computer should squeak from time to time.

476. Newton never realized that heavy items gravitate toward the top shelf.

477. A lousy vacuum cleaner doesn't suck.

478. How well could you work with an audience watching YOUR every move?

479. Why bother drinking non-alcoholic beer?

480. In real Chinese Checkers, doesn't the government keep all the marbles?

481. The proof of alien intelligence is that they are smart enough to have little to do with us.

482. Mirrors are very funny if you look at them in the right way.

483. We feed, bathe and dress babies. They feed, bathe and dress movie stars. What's the difference?

484. Irish coffee and English tea don't get along either.

485. You never fart quietly around others.

486. I just can't picture Ronald McDonald at a barbecue grill.

487. You cannot store explosives in your fireplace more than once.

488. Your walls were meant to be colored with your children's crayons.

489. Less than two weeks after getting a tattoo with your significant other's name, that person will throw you out and never want to see you again.

490. You've raised your children right if they appreciate getting underwear for Christmas.

491. What IS worth a damn?

492. I am more likely to have time on my wrist than on my hands.

493. It is unfair for a one-legged man to have to buy a pair of shoes.

494. Why hasn't anyone come up with a game show based on matching up pairs of socks?

495. The TV show you enjoy will be canceled in its first season.

496. We'd have fewer liars among men if penile implants were made of rock.

497. It's hard to believe that the only people having sex on "Gilligan's Island" were Mr. and Mrs. Howell.

498. You're probably overweight if the pager or cell phone on your belt digs into your waist.

499. Educated guesses tend to be more accurate than wild guesses.

500. A week-old small pizza is too heavy to use as a Frisbee.

[home][web design and development][writings][stores][about us][donations]