bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
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501. Wear goggles when changing your own oil.

502. By today's standards, Mae West was almost virginal.

503. Library paste was meant to be edible.

504. You should not repair a damaged condom with rubber cement.

505. Why does a cervical collar go around your neck but a cervical cap covers a woman's cervix?

506. You geld a horse, neuter a dog, castrate a man. Same thing, different words.

507. Driver's license photos should be taken in profile.

508. Frankenstein's monster had more nuts than most guys.

509. Why didn't the Partridge Family live in a nest?

510. If there were bananas as far as the eye could see, would you call it a "bananarama"?

511. No wild animal is more afraid of you than you are of it.

512. Who washed the corn cobs in the outhouses?

513. If they did it right, we could have had 13 months of 28 days each, with one left over each year. None of this "30 days hath September" crap.

514. There probably weren't any Neanderthals named "Butch."

515. A dog can wait forever.

516. I am genuinely pleased to never have seen nor heard of a nude photograph of Hugh Hefner.

517. No matter how long it cooks, the Earth's crust still isn't very chewy.

518. I can't imagine being able to play the drums well with a pair of chicken legs.

519. In India, do they train elephants to bring in the newspaper?

520. Marcia, Jan and Cindy weren't really "Brady" kids at all.

521. The castaways could have been rescued much earlier if they had killed Gilligan first.

522. So how many pairs of nylons did Imelda Marcos have?

523. The best-looking woman on "Cheers" was Lilith, but Carla had the best attitude.

524. Was the axle invented before or after the wheel?

525. At an octopus family reunion, it's time to go home after everyone shakes hands.

526. Why does an angel need wings?

527. A cowboy's silver buckle does not take the place of a protective cup.

528. If the woman balks, the man still doesn't get to go to first base.

529. Thank God that my life isn't like a country song!

530. If you have a gas leak, your sinuses will be too congested to tell.

531. The "due to variations in oven temperature" line in recipes really means "We don't know how long this crap takes to cook."

532. If a President likes roller derby, we're in trouble.

533. Intellectual submariners are deep thinkers.

534. Should you call a harbormaster a "shipherd"?

535. Eating prunes and rice together confuses your digestive system.

536. How should I know what in Hell is going on? I wasn't there.

537. Fish would be smarter if their teachers didn't spend their whole lives in schools too.

538. To people, hamsters are cute. To eagles, hamsters are food. It's in how you look at it.

539. At what thickness do you officially call it "Thin Ice"?

540. If Hell freezes over, the Popsicle concession won't be as profitable.

541. There's a reason that bagels look like small tires...

542. In Havana, is a cigar-shaped tent on the beach called a "Cubana"?

543. In the wild, fat animals dominate others. In the city, fat people are deemed inferior. Somehow, this doesn't seem fair.

544. Lug nuts are too crunchy.

545. A cross is just an X standing on one leg.

546. Logically speaking, the sphere and the cylinder must have been invented before the wheel.

547. Maybe YOU can use a corn cob instead of toilet paper...

548. How would Cabbage Patch Kids react to Agent Orange?

549. Don't try to pet a barking dog.

550. If you have a post office box with a five-digit number, at least one important item will be sent to the ZIP code matching your P.O. box number (this actually happened to one of my paychecks).

551. Fish don't care about water conservation.

552. Would you let Herman Munster do your valve job?

553. By definition, shouldn't an "Ironman" sink?

554. Among chickens, only the roosters get to cluck around all day long.

555. If there had been different sponsors, daytime dramas could have been called "Tampon operas."

556. The stars raise money for the homeless, but they never gives them homes or jobs...

557. How could you consider marrying someone you met through a Personal ad?

558. Maybe Car 54 was in Area 51...

559. Jack Handey is a wussy.

560. Never allow your dog to chase parked vehicles.

561. Don't use pepper spray on your eggs.

562. There's more money in fraud than in robbery.

563. How many cans of tuna come from a single fish?

564. I'd rather have engine problems than brake problems.

565. Only masochists get turned on with a switch.

566. The car ad says in big print "Only $9995", but the small print says "$36,514 as shown."

567. I sincerely doubt that the Addams Family really was "altogether ooky."

568. Those who are against abortion shouldn't eat eggs, should they?

569. It's not my fault that some dogs are about the size of a soccer ball.

570. In racquetball, there's nothing quite so satisfying as drilling your opponent in the back of the head. On accident, of course.

571. I tend to finish a round of golf with more balls than when I started.

572. Snowboarding was invented on purpose. Parasailing was not.

573. The death penalty is less of a deterrent than a rubber snake.

574. What does something good have to do with a cat's pajamas or a bee's knees?

575. If you weren't afraid of electrocution, you'd have urinated on your TV at least once this year.

576. You cannot cook a sandwich in a VCR. Your young child will try anyway.

577. You could have made your own Easy-Bake Oven, and it would have been more efficient too.

578. If truth be told, Lindbergh was probably scared to death.

579. An armadillo bowling tournament...

580. Churchill said "We have nothing to fear but fear itself," but I still would have been pretty concerned about the bombs raining down.

581. A bad example is still a mistake.

582. To hell with "opportunities." I have "problems"!

583. Steve Martin was a better standup comic than he is an actor.

584. If Lee Harvey Oswald had shot Kennedy in today's environment, he would have made it to trial and gotten off on a technicality.

585. At least three separate and unrelated illnesses will strike you at the same time.

586. Never send a "Thank You" note to the sentencing judge.

587. Can you be burned by a flaming homosexual?

588. A locked desk creates temptation.

589. Johnnie Walker lived two lives: one as a Communist, one as a lump of coal.

590. You never run into people that you really want to see.

591. If I sent my son to town to sell the cow and he came back with a handful of "magic" beans, I'd kill the little creep!

592. You'll eventually whistle at a guy with long hair.

593. Never use a squid to fill a fountain pen.

594. Bills over $100 should weigh one pound per dollar. Next time, you'll write a check.

595. You can't hide car damage from your dad.

596. If you dance on a first date, you will step on his/her foot at least once.

597. Messy desks discourage theft.

598. Can you take an astral plane to Europe?

599. I never understood "2001: A Space Odyssey."

600. If you want only one part, you can only get it as a set.

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