bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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601. House pets always regurgitate and defecate in the middle of the floor.

602. If Conclusion Jumping was an Olympic sport...

603. With what length pole would you touch something undesirable?

604. If they have to keep the formula a secret, I don't think I want to know it.

605. Cute wild animals are usually capable of tearing your head off.

606. If you are easily embarrassed, you will be embarrassed often.

607. Cannibals routinely have family dinners.

608. I could never go through life being called "Little Joe."

609. If you have paper, you will not have a pen, and vice versa.

610. There is no such thing as a balanced checkbook.

611. If you were alone and fell down in a forest, would the trees hear it?

612. Men never throw out underwear that still fits, regardless of condition.

613. You never take the good advice you get from your parents.

614. If you have been healthy for a long time, a series of medical problems will beset you at once.

615. Trains cannot swerve to avoid you.

616. I don't want anything tickling my ribs.

617. Why isn't ecology the study of economics?

618. If a snake is laying on you, you must be lower than a snake's belly.

619. Erasers are like the birth control: they aren't 100% effective.

620. A Mercury should be a faster car.

621. If you are using colored Liquid Paper�, you can't really call it "White-out."

622. Clark Kent was a voyeur.

623. Maybe giant pandas really don't want to reproduce.

624. Why can't you call a suture a "Connecticut"?

625. Your zipper never jams at home.

626. The mistakes of others are inexcusable, but yours are inevitable.

627. Imagine a homosexual version of "The Newlywed Game"...

628. Playing "Twister" in socks can be dangerous.

629. If you keep beating your head against a wall, your forehead will probably get mushy.

630. One of the good things about drinking while playing golf is that, if you don't do well, you won't care.

631. Nothing known to man can mask the smell of freshly-popped microwave popcorn.

632. If you are wearing shorts, it will get cold, windy and rainy, but only if you have no other clothing into which you can change.

633. My pocket calculator can only count up to five.

634. Why don't the police use horoscopes to locate prostitutes?

635. Are wishy-washy people both clean and all wet?

636. "Boulevard Pugilist" sounds better than "Street Fighter."

637. If you want Chinese food, do you go for a wok?

638. You can tell when a woman is wearing men's jeans.

639. Nobody's hair looks good coming out of a pool or sauna.

640. I never saw Mr. Greenjeans wear green jeans. He was wearing overalls every time that I can remember.

641. Of what is hogwash made?

642. All carpets really want to be brown.

643. When you switch radio stations, you will recognize the end of your favorite song.

644. Never go fishing in a parking garage.

645. How many illegal aliens are there in Cuba?

646. If we were meant to eat meat, it would be easier to get off the bone and out of the shell.

647. After all those years, Captain Kangaroo never got promoted to Major.

648. Are fiddlesticks and poppycock mutually exclusive?

649. Socks are polar, like magnets. When like poles meet, they repel such that one will never again be found.

650. Does a whole bed of oysters yawn at once?

651. If something "runs like a top", does that mean that it spins wildly in circles at high speed?

652. Another oxymoron: "qualified supervisor."

653. Who made Superman's outfit for him?

654. It is best not to handle personnel problems. This can bring harrassment complaints.

655. If the Chairman is doing the hula in a board meeting, it is probably okay for you to do it too.

656. Do they tell ethnic jokes at NAACP conventions?

657. "Moby Dick" would not have been as good if the protagonist had been called "Sparky."

658. Lincoln got no mail at his Gettysburg address.

659. Our nation's Presidents are better-behaved now than they used to be.

660. We should settle wars through hockey games.

661. Why did Kukla get top billing over Fran?

662. It is not difficult to be a ventriloquist on the radio.

663. Maybe they will give away stovepipe hats with the new Lincolns next year.

664. Were barbarians qualified to give haircuts?

665. Do boxers wear boxers?

666. A cantaloupe must have a church wedding.

667. If you really have to use the lavatory, the plane will hit turbulence.

668. The shortest golf iron could hit a ball into the bleachers at some baseball parks.

669. I don't want to know where they got the name for "crack."

670. Ready-to-wear clothing needs to have the tags taken off first.

671. It is impossible to find a two-piece outfit in which both pieces fit right.

672. Your shoe will come off at the worst possible time.

673. Comparatively speaking, your swimsuit will dry before you will.

674. Wouldn't you love to deck the Campbell's Kids?

675. Don't lick the sandpaper.

676. NOBODY beat Clark Kent at hide-and-seek.

677. I will be reincarnated as a white deodorant block in a urinal. This will not be a big change.

678. Since digital clocks and watches became popular, it is never "half past" the hour anymore.

679. I've never seen a puppy in a pup tent.

680. Does anything really want to be consumed?

681. Classrooms without chalkboards really depress me.

682. Someone always coughs or sneezes during a prayer or eulogy.

683. The winner of the Perfect Attendance Award never shows up to claim it.

684. I was born with this face. It's not my fault.

685. At least Ahab had a goal...

686. I'd like to see President Clinton's limousine get a parking ticket.

687. I couldn't limit myself to just shaking hands with Halle Berry.

688. The only people who think you have a good voice for radio have nothing to do with the industry.

689. What kind of boat does the Ty-Dee-Bowl man have now?

690. I know of no rock stars that play the ukelele.

691. Please, no pictures of Madonna's stretch marks!

692. Men get fat to shade their zippers.

693. Is ANYBODY cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

694. The Popiel Pocket Fisherman wasn't that bad of an idea.

695. If only I had been elected Student Body Vice President in high school... (I lost, big time.)

696. My pet rock starved to death.

697. I would like to see the toaster that they toast coconuts in...

698. When you want to make a stitch in time, your sewing kit will be somewhere in your T-shirt drawer.

699. Don't talk to the tomatoes.

700. How many other countries have national anthems that mention rockets and bombs? (Thanks to George Carlin)

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