bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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701. Not many people will be slam-dancing at your class reunion.

702. Having a plate in your head doesn't mean that people should eat off your scalp.

703. Was a kamikaze pilot who survived considered a failure?

704. Lot's wife was bad for his blood pressure.

705. Sometimes, being a normal person can make you a hero to somebody.

706. I might like air travel more if you could parachute out at your destination.

707. Does a cornucopia have to have corn in it?

708. The best parking places are No Parking zones.

709. Union policy requires magicians to wave their hands mysteriously.

710. If you resign from the Hair Club for Men, do you have to give the hair back?

711. I was always suspicious of the Candyman...

712. Nobody will flirt with you shamelessly until your wedding reception.

713. Pop-Tarts are not a good breakfast. Or dinner.

714. Thirty-year-olds don't know what an eight-year-old thinks is cool.

715. Never trust a man over the age of twenty...days.

716. No woman can convincingly pad a sports bra.

717. What color is the horse of a different color?

718. Why do you ask "Who is it?" when you're looking through the peephole?

719. If you die young, nobody will remember you as being wrinkled.

720. I have never heard a weasel go "Pop," even on the Discovery Channel.

721. Check your parachute before you jump.

722. Mirrors lie!

723. If it had been up to my dad, I'd still be single.

724. Were Sodom and Gomorrah sister cities?

725. You knew the marriage of Charles and Diana wouldn't last when she messed up his name at the wedding.

726. Not all banana republics are in the tropics. Some are even nuclear powers.

727. It would be easier to pronounce words correctly if they sounded like they look.

728. My daughter would never say, "My dad can beat up your dad."

729. Catholics understand why Washington D.C. is between Virginia and Maryland.

730. A "son of a bitch" is a puppy, right?

731. The last discount ticket on your flight was sold five seconds before you called.

732. I will remember something I forgot at home when I am halfway to my destination.

733. Most of today's profanity didn't used to be profane. Maybe we're coming full-circle.

734. I never really cared how fast piranha could skeletonize a cow.

735. It is easier (and more fun) to gain weight than to lose it.

736. On a test, 97 percent is good enough.

737. When will the New World Order be delivered?

738. Some people have a good reason to be afraid of Clearasil and Oxy 10.

739. You will remember your wife's birthday just as you pull into the garage.

740. We get rained on as much as before, but we don't wear hats as often.

741. Had Noah ever built a ship before?

742. "Not now" spelled backwards is "Won ton." Could this be coincidental?

743. What sister or brother of Donald Duck was the parent of Huey, Dewey and Louie?

744. I would never vote for someone named "Corky."

745. Wouldn't you rather have the doctor tell you that you have a case of "applause"?

746. Why can't I choose more than one answer on a multiple-choice test?

747. No cereal stays crunchy in milk for long.

748. Why don't you need an oven for a clambake?

749. If you are a tester at Nintendo, can you be fired for not playing around?

750. The beauty of golf is its inherent silliness.

751. During an examination, I never want to hear a doctor say, "What the hell is THAT?"

752. Why does the President wear a watch?

753. You can't trust a man who wears a tie on the beach.

754. Don't pay a credit card bill with a different credit card.

755. For a long time, savings bonds were not selling due to a lack of interest.

756. Domed stadiums (stadia?) are great for those who enjoy outdoor sports but don't want to go outdoors.

757. Hunting an animal that can't kill you isn't very sporting, is it?

758. How well do the "Hula-Ho" and "Hula Hoop" sell in Hawaii?

759. His Honor will not be amused with your impression of Judge Ito.

760. "Doonesbury" clearly displays the Jane Pauley influence.

761. I don't want a woman to tell me how she got pregnant.

762. Most of the anti-abortion activists that I have seen aren't very attractive.

763. I've seen neither hide nor hair of the tannery and furrier.

764. With women, you CAN strike out on fouls.

765. My roller-skate key never started anything.

766. Would a piscatorian menage � trois be called a fish sandwich?

767. How does a guard not sleep in a pillow factory?

768. Send flowers to President Clinton C.O.D.

769. A ream of paper is full of sheet.

770. Crackle should get top billing on a box of Rice Krispies.

771. Judging by the way they fly, houseflies must be born stoned.

772. Sex is not worth risking your life over.

773. I'm too broke to pay attention.

774. Wear a suit of armor to cuddle a porcupine.

775. Staple removers don't.

776. If the power failure happens at noon, it's not really a "blackout."

777. Don't wear a dress in the Men's room.

778. I can relate to "Dilbert," but I still miss "The Far Side."

779. I took my Garden Weasel to the Vet. I was doing some weeding and it popped.

780. The Hamburglar at McDonald's is still a thief.

781. St. Louis is glad the football Cardinals emigrated, and Arizona now wishes they would.

782. My other car doesn't belong to me.

783. What smells nice to a wart hog?

784. Did you ever notice how Mr. Spock looked at Yeoman Rand?

785. The economic impact of Mark Twain on Calaveras County, California has been amazing.

786. What would we call the NFL championship game if the name "Super Bowl" had been trademarked by a toilet maker?

787. America Online isn't.

788. If you tell me "My house is your house," I will sell it.

789. It had to be pretty embarrassing for a Canadian hockey team to move to Phoenix.

790. You never have change for the pay toilet.

791. Breeding in zoos is really just widespread wild-animal blind dating.

792. Those temporary spare tires are worthless in a high-speed chase.

793. It took no creativity to name Chinatown.

794. You have waited too long if the sign says "This lane ends right now."

795. I bet most religious organizations subscribe to porn magazines.

796. The hounds of Hell are probably toy poodles.

797. Why are there no emergency parachutes on the cabins of passenger aircraft?

798. A circular driveway is a road to nowhere.

799. If you replaced your zipper with Velcro, which side would get the hooks and which would get the loops?

800. What if Goldman killed Nicole and OJ then killed Goldman...

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