bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
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801. Blow up the balloons after you get to the party.

802. I can be very generous with someone else's time and money.

803. To me, hot pants were always at around room temperature.

804. The paradox of spying is that there are idiots in intelligence.

805. If I could just body-surf the Net...

806. How do we know that Pavlov's dogs didn't just drool a lot?

807. The Cat in the Hat was never actually IN it, was he?

808. How big is a No. 1 envelope?

809. It is rude to refer to a Native American philanthropist as an "Indian giver."

810. Wait until Ocean Spray introduces "Cran-bourbon"...

811. Why bother chewing Jell-O?

812. Most bulls are just hamburgers-to-be.

813. A dog would look pretty silly with a nose ring.

814. There's something I just don't like about the word "peanut."

815. Hell is God's Snowflake-design Department.

816. Two octopuses can hog the whole circuit at the gym.

817. Just because there's a deer on my hood doesn't mean that I've been hunting, Officer...

818. Never surprise your spouse with a new mortgage.

819. Gorillas don't need cufflinks.

820. In New Zealand, attacking an antique yachting trophy must be a perfectly-acceptable form of protest.

821. Could a baby dairy cow be a New Jersey?

822. With what do you wash dirty water?

823. What is blue-jean mogul Sergio Valente doing these days?

824. "How now brown cow." What the hell does that mean?

825. "Get Smart" should have been called "Get Stupid."

826. Nobody really cared that The Partridge Family didn't play their own instruments.

827. Burial is recycling. Cremation is pollution.

828. It's about time we gave recognized the contributions of the designer of the first "Wanted" poster.

829. From what do they make dental floss?

830. If you need a bandage, your child will have used them all for a minor scrape that didn't even bleed ... on a teddy bear.

831. Your boss used to be a postal worker.

832. Do you suppose that Lawrence Welk unintentionally promoted alcoholism?

833. Small kids love boxes more than the toys that were inside them.

834. The Snickers bars are laughing at me.

835. I love to watch a kitten sneeze.

836. You don't see many balls fouled off the plate umpire's head.

837. If something's bad, it's good. If it's cool, it's hot. No wonder kids are confused.

838. If you use clubs in golf, why don't you beat the ball?

839. Not that I care, but why did Jimmy crack corn?

840. The shelves should be stocked alphabetically so I can find gum next to the guns.

841. Only fish have a good use for fish heads.

842. If I die while dancing, it's because the rhythm got me.

843. Do guys named Butler get blamed for everything?

844. I'd like to see you catch a pelota in your mouth, buddy!

845. Do cheerleaders get a course in Pom-Pom Safety?

846. If you DID just fall off a turnip truck, don't tell anybody.

847. Can you get on board a ship that does not have a wooden deck?

848. The arguments of some debaters are as plain as the nose on Bob Hope's face.

849. You cannot swing an axe fast enough to mow your lawn.

850. Most of the price of athletic shoes goes to advertising costs.

851. Besides conniption and epileptic, how many other kinds of fits are there?

852. Should you carry valuable baskets in a basket case?

853. A one-legged man flamenco dancing...

854. King Kong's armpits. Whew!

855. When on display, ready-to-assemble furniture always wobbles.

856. They're not dirty pictures if you view them right.

857. The inventor of Clamato was about as twisted as I can imagine.

858. I broke the time clock when I punched out.

859. Why would a serious biker have a sissy bar?

860. Velma should have decked Shaggy so many times...

861. Certain people should not be buried at sea.

862. You really need that part that just fell off your car.

863. Since I know what horseapples are, I don't eat horseradish either.

864. Trojan will eventually make rubber bands.

865. Things that go "click" in the night are cause for concern.

866. Isn't "Think Tank" really another name for "Concentration Camp"?

867. Why don't baseball bats hang upside down?

868. You know you're fat if there's a solar eclipse and you caused it.

869. Someone always flushes the toilet when you're in the shower.

870. This is not going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

871. Why can't a doctor just say, "This is going to hurt like Hell"?

872. My feet smell, but you don't want to be around when they sneeze!

873. Nitrous Oxide smells funny.

874. It's just not fair. When my nose is running, it never gets side cramps.

875. You don't have to worry about AM/PM on analog alarm clocks.

876. My parents bore me.

877. A game of Strip Monopoly could go on for months (take it off, put it on, take it off...).

878. Isn't Pre-Menstrual Syndrome just delayed Post-Menstrual Syndrome?

879. Keep cloggers away from my drains!

880. Never play hopscotch in a minefield.

881. Crabs would walk forward if they weren't so paranoid.

882. You will not notice that your fly is open until at least an hour after you go out in public.

883. I secretly giggle when someone orders a Diet Coke at a fast-food place.

884. I plead insanity. I'm just crazy about that stuff. (Thanks to Cheech & Chong)

885. You cannot shoot a flaming arrow with a rainbow.

886. I can't turn up the database on my record player.

887. If marijuana were legalized, would Mrs. Grass sell it?

888. I wanted to pump up the volume, but it blew me away.

889. Minute Rice looks about the same size as the other kinds.

890. Fish probably think that you stink too.

891. If a Mr. Coffee shorted out, would it smoke pot?

892. Why are professional sports teams called "clubs"?

893. Only a stupid chicken is a dumb cluck.

894. No matter how big a shrimp is, it's still a shrimp.

895. You can't get alcohol at a sissy bar.

896. If Purina made fish food, would they call it Guppy Chow?

897. If all of the Nazis were as stupid as Col. Klink and Gen. Burkhalter, World War II would have lasted about three days.

898. Can the straight man in a comedy team be gay?

899. Potatoes see all.

900. Cornhuskers don't sound so tough.

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