bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
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901. I wouldn't let Nestle's Crunch sponsor MY race car.

902. Is Spanky a proponent of corporal punishment?

903. "Rollerblade" sounds like one of those Ronco dicing gadgets you see on TV.

904. It's hard to find useful info in an infomercial.

905. If Prince Charles left his zipper open, would you tell him?

906. There is no cure for wheat germ.

907. With arms like that, I bet an orangutan could really bowl!

908. Should you call a cow with a bullhorn?

909. You are not adventurous if you only wear your socks inside-out.

910. If you blaze a trail, bring a fire extinguisher.

911. I never saw anybody shake one of my milkshakes.

912. If there were no sponges in the oceans, would there be more water? (Thanks to Steven Wright)

913. A kangaroo court tends to jump to conclusions.

914. In zero gravity, do flabby thighs jiggle forever?

915. A small child can lose anything smaller than your living room in the time it takes for your TV to warm up.

916. What is the penalty for perjury in Truth Or Consequences, NM?

917. My computer's mouse has a cheese ball.

918. I have never been any taller after getting off a stretcher.

919. If a whale's tail is vertical, it is just a fluke fluke.

920. If it's paper news, why do we call it a newspaper?

921. Another oxymoron: "simple arithmetic."

922. Waiter, is the soup SUPPOSED to be crunchy?

923. Dirty crystal is not clear.

924. Rhinoceroses are horny all the time.

925. I thought cartographers made supermarket maps.

926. Bake the Pillsbury Doughboy already!

927. Is a bulky rowboat a "hunky dory"?

928. One man's junk is usually another man's junk.

929. If you eat enough snack foods, you will consume enough preservatives to avoid the cost of embalming.

930. Cows might chew tobacco if they had a back pocket for the can.

931. Most country clubs are in the city.

932. Hot Wheels are still pretty cool.

933. A strong-enough magnet can wipe both your hard disk and your backup tape at the same time.

934. Are the children of masons given Teddy Bricks?

935. Cap'n Crunch will never make Admiral.

936. Do garbage collectors get abusive if you don't give them garbage?

937. You can have plenty of dough but have no bread.

938. What would forty lashes with a wet noodle feel like?

939. I feel sorry for any M.D. with the last name of Pepper.

940. As you age, what was firm becomes flexible.

941. It is too hard to sharpen my shoulder blades.

942. There is no good way to fold a fitted sheet.

943. In a gun shop, ask if they carry ski masks. (Thanks to George Carlin)

944. I have trouble getting a handle on a coffee cup.

945. Does Wolfman Jack wear wool?

946. The Los Angeles Police Department uses the Club, but not on cars...

947. If we were all friends, we would have more people to gossip about.

948. In a town where everybody knows everything about everybody, do you need to talk?

949. There is no such thing as "kitten love" because cats really don't care.

950. Oscar Madison had a pig in his room.

951. Felix Unger kept a maid under his bed.

952. Good buns do not compensate for a bad wiener.

953. That you cannot smell your own odor is a form of self-preservation.

954. I have never met a dog that did not need Binaca.

955. When cashiers ask "Paper or plastic?", they're not referring only to bags anymore.

956. I will NOT be a monkey's uncle, thank you very much.

957. I was upset about a fence, but I got over it.

958. If an idea goes "out the window", who opens it first?

959. It is pointless to tell a dog, "Please do not litter."

960. The dope problem is the result of having too many dopes. (Thanks to George Carlin)

961. If you have big feet, do you play "Hopsquatch"?

962. Chainsaws easily cut through tree-huggers.

963. Do irritated bugs feel peopled?

964. I stink at craps.

965. Fly a kite in a storm and you will discover something too, but you will not impress anyone.

966. Persistence pays, but you don't always have time for it.

967. If the design for a fighter plane gets shot down, the plane probably would be too.

968. You always know less than you think you do.

969. An octopus is the ultimate goalie in water polo.

970. Some wingnuts can fly.

971. The early worm is bird food.

972. I am on the Hansel and Gretel Diet.

973. A dollar saved is a penny earned.

974. If it's free, always take more than one.

975. The hand that pats you on the back might have a knife in it.

976. Some rules are an exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.

977. If you are wearing a suit, please wear socks.

978. Corkscrews get no job satisfaction.

979. "Buffy" is a good name for a car polisher.

980. When we played "Red Light, Green Light" as a kid, I always had a flashing yellow.

981. Fugitives take hide-and-seek very seriously.

982. Do animals leer?

983. I always end up with mashed potatoes at crunch time.

984. You shouldn't play poker with corn chips.

985. Did Little Bo Peep eat shepherd's pie?

986. There are no homosexuals in Grimm's Fairy Tales.

987. A lion won't eat a mouse that pulls a thorn from its paw. Yeah, right.

988. How do they react to the exclamation "Holy cow!" in India?

989. What is written is not necessarily truth.

990. E.T. had one mother of a phone bill.

991. Don't force what you can't afford to replace.

992. Astronauts in training are space cadets.

993. This is not a gun; it's a Prozac dispenser!

994. Don't do anything that your dog tells you to do.

995. I have never signed on a dotted line.

996. Do bed manufacturers make whoopee cushions?

997. You can shoot clear through it, but you cannot eat a bagel with Master lox.

998. Getting a Triple Crown is meaningful if you have three heads.

999. Jesus wore cross-trainers.

1000. You can make hard work out of an enjoyable hobby.

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