bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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1001. If you hear crunching footsteps and you are in the middle of a parking lot, you have a problem.

1002. Dairy-farm accountants use cowculators.

1003. Mussolini's secretary took dictation.

1004. Does Shari Lewis eat Lamb Chops?

1005. Don't SHOW me the money. GIVE me the money!

1006. They should break up unruly crowds with spaghetti cannons.

1007. Your footprints on the sands of time are blown away by the winds of change.

1008. All chickens are funky.

1009. Can a self-propelled timepiece walk and tock?

1010. Don't serve flea dip with potato chips.

1011. Even with whipped cream, cow pies taste terrible.

1012. There are nurse sharks, but no doctor sharks.

1013. If you're chasing your tail and catch it, don't bite it.

1014. Does The Shadow know what lurks in the hearts of men at night?

1015. Forward your phone to Dial-A-Prayer.

1016. The Sex Pistols were loaded.

1017. Mirrors are argumentative.

1018. Can you cast aspersions with a fly reel?

1019. Horses get the clop.

1020. When there is no crime, Batman just hangs around.

1021. Happy cowboys giddy-up.

1022. If you are in favor of something, you must oppose something else.

1023. Her Majesty Elizabeth II should get it over with and designate His Highness Prince William as heir-apparent.

1024. I hereby waive my right to waive my rights.

1025. A contractor is not the opposite of a protractor.

1026. If a cowboy's hat is too tight, will he have a Stetson fit?

1027. Nearly all of the Seven Dwarfs were on something. (Thanks to George Carlin)

1028. Expelled students have no class.

1029. You cannot get bacon or lumber from a porcupine.

1030. The clock does all the work, but Big Ben gets all the credit.

1031. Iguanas think that you are ugly too.

1032. One buck equals one clam, but one clam does not equal one buck.

1033. The lungfish is very confused.

1034. I think they call themselves "Pro-Life" and "Pro-Choice" because "Anti-Choice" and "Anti-Life" are too negative.

1035. I would rather make a fool of myself than allow someone else to do it for me.

1036. How many Kellogg's employees have mysteriously disappeared in the presence of Tony the Tiger?

1037. The money for a ticket on the Concorde flies out of your wallet faster than the plane does.

1038. If you are between a rock and a hard place, the hard place may also be a rock.

1039. Avoid wearing a kilt in Harlem.

1040. The boogieman got my nose and everything in it.

1041. I have tried to make fried ice cream at home, but it just melts all over the pan.

1042. Small electronic devices cost more than large electronic devices that do the same thing.

1043. If you miss a class, it will be the one that gave everything you needed to know to pass.

1044. Aardvarks always have to sit in the front row in school.

1045. What happens if only part of Hell breaks loose?

1046. Call me selfish, but I won't lend one of my hands to anyone.

1047. Does a gorgeous person have to have a big mouth?

1048. Separated at birth: Grover and Cookie Monster.

1049. How about meat with spaghetti balls?

1050. The diamond always outlives the recipient.

1051. Monkeys go bananas, squirrels go nuts, pigs go hog wild.

1052. The phone book is never completely accurate.

1053. I wanted to save whales, but my bank wouldn't accept the deposits.

1054. I believe in wildlife preserves. I just don't know how Smucker's will get them in those little jars. (inspired by Gary Larson)

1055. Life is like cheese toast: When it's crummy, it's still pretty good.

1056. A safety problem usually will not go away upon the termination of the person upon whom an accident was blamed.

1057. A safety pro is like a eunuch: You never have all the tools you need, and you aren't likely to get back what tools you used to have.

1058. Adam should have raised sugar Cain.

1059. If buffalo chips are buffalo defecation, then what are potato chips?

1060. Poor Marla Maple$-Trump.

1061. What good is a compass at the North Pole?

1062. Adam was tired when he named the kumquat.

1063. How come political parties are no fun?

1064. Instructors talk more than they teach.

1065. In the frontier days, there were few gymnasts but plenty of cartwheels.

1066. Another oxymoron: "cute newborn."

1067. Desk jockeys should wear silks and meet weight requirements.

1068. Runners should have to punch a time clock at the finish line.

1069. If you don't bend your knees when lifting, you don't know squat.

1070. Rain will obliterate the ink on your rain check.

1071. You can gander a goose, but don't goose a gander.

1072. The middle names of U.S. presidents since WWII: Delano, S, David, Fitzgerald, Baines, Milhous, Rudolph, Earl, Wilson, Herbert Walker, Jefferson. Do you have to have an unusual middle name to get elected?

1073. Sometimes, card sharks need loan sharks.

1074. For the millionth time, stop exaggerating!

1075. I've gotten sick on Southern Comfort.

1076. Love and hate can be on opposite sides of the same gun.

1077. If you're loyal, honest and trustworthy, but not very brave, can you attain the rank of Chicken Scout?

1078. Most of us are not open-minded enough to feel the Force.

1079. In the movies, how come people shot in space don't bleed?

1080. If my cat ate my canary, he'd look dead pretty soon.

1081. Can you get instructions from the suicide hotline?

1082. If you do poorly at cards, deal with it.

1083. Why was I picked last for the self-esteem task force?

1084. Don't hit anyone if you're feeling punchy.

1085. Which one of the Hardy boys had the hots for Nancy Drew?

1086. Baseball diamonds are a boy's best friend.

1087. There are no telethons to fight against natural causes of death.

1088. When you tell a man that his fly's open, you're really admitting that you were looking at his crotch.

1089. You're not paranoid if... What was that?

1090. Do your job or do without it.

1091. Fred and Wilma, Barney and Betty ... I just don't understand it.

1092. Why do fat people float and skinny people sink?

1093. If you aren't watching what you say and write, you can be assured that others will be.

1094. Women who would have nothing to do with you before will fall all over you after you get married.

1095. Velcro has a good user interface.

1096. Which member of the Partridge Family was in the pear tree?

1097. A panorama is a huge cookware sale.

1098. If it makes sense in theory, it may not make sense in practice.

1099. Does the Vatican sell Pope-pourri?

1100. There might be more sperm whales if there were ovum whales too.

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