bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one ultimate bad joke

kiribati

join the acme yacht club,
for sailors of misfortune!

this button space is donated as a public service.

click on any horizontal rule to return here

1101. It is painful to walk if your foot has no soul.

1102. Another oxymoron: "superior officer."

1103. If Col. Sanders had been a coward, would you call him a chicken?

1104. What makes the hot water for a hot water heater?

1105. Why do they call it football if they hardly ever kick it?

1106. War is population control for the desperate nation with more dollars than sense.

1107. We are the next dinosaurs, and look what happened to them.

1108. Unemployed flamenco dancers can always get a job in a winery.

1109. I always thought cannonballs were iron, so why do they blow up in the movies?

1110. Your wife is mad at you if she refuses to kiss you, but kisses the dog.

1111. Wavy hair eventually waves goodbye.

1112. If I forget my watch, I won't have time for anything.

1113. Hemingway wrote, "The Sun Sets" first, but threw it away.

1114. I would be born again if I thought I could take being forced through a four-inch hole.

1115. Did Orville Redenbacher tell corny jokes?

1116. Every time I call a taxi, it growls at me.

1117. Noah was an arkitect.

1118. Luke Skywalker performed laser surgery.

1119. An expert fisherman is a Master Baiter.

1120. I quit jogging because my feet aren't programmed for that.

1121. By the time the last person said "Good night" in the Walton house, it was morning already.

1122. Someone, somewhere, thinks that a wolverine looks cuddly.

1123. I spent my common sense on junk food.

1124. Your rent payment should always exceed your bar bill.

1125. Do witches haggle?

1126. Your car has no fun at the park.

1127. Secure your seat cushions with a padlock.

1128. What does a trapshooter want someone to pull?

1129. How come fire trucks don't start many fires?

1130. I'm not cleaning my oven right now.

1131. A dog doesn't eat much while barking.

1132. You can't tell a banana anything.

1133. How many eyes does a potato bug have?

1134. Don't be catching snowflakes on your tongue when the sky falls.

1135. The word "coagulate" sounds disgusting. We need a substitute.

1136. Never accept a check made by Goodyear.

1137. The last thing to go through the mind of many insects is a bumper, grille or windshield.

1138. How did Freddy Krueger pick his nose?

1139. Less is more, except in cash.

1140. Turkey basters are more fun than squirt guns.

1141. Why are there no gentleman bugs?

1142. A 30-lb. TV set is not what I would call "portable."

1143. Would a macroscope make big things look smaller?

1144. Spiderman needs four more legs.

1145. Timothy McVeigh could have made his point at midnight.

1146. Hydrocephalitics ought to have their heads examined.

1147. Of course I'd jump off a bridge too, Mom.

1148. Do test-tube babies have Pyrex birthmarks?

1149. There is no such thing as minor surgery to the patient.

1150. Is there any fiber in Root Beer?

1151. Falling off a log is too hard for me.

1152. Since hospitals have scrub nurses, why not towel nurses too?

1153. Another oxymoron: "hush puppy."

1154. Self-inflicted wounds make you look stupid, crazy or dead. Sometimes, all three.

1155. You never hear about copydog crimes.

1156. You never hear about burglaries at medical waste facilities either.

1157. They should use condoms when cockfighting.

1158. Did the Elephant Man like peanuts?

1159. If you are an ex-con, you are really an ex-jailbird.

1160. I don't believe that St. Peter is Director of the Heaven Admission Office.

1161. The mammograms are booby-trapped.

1162. If someone tells you to "shove it," smile and thank him, then ask for help.

1163. They make you turn your head and cough so you cannot see what they are doing down there.

1164. For Moslems, life is an Allah or nothing proposition.

1165. My whole checkbook is latex. They have been warned.

1166. Did anyone ever call Queen Victoria "Vickie"?

1167. A Nehi bottle is too short for adults.

1168. If your arms were a foot shorter, how would you use the bathroom?

1169. Don't apply for the job if you don't understand the job description.

1170. What would Jesus have on his business card?

1171. If you are going to bet your ass, lose.

1172. A tampon is for feminine hygiene, while a crampon is mountaineering equipment. How did they get the names backwards?

1173. The caged bird is not singing. He is talking to himself.

1174. Boxcars have sixteen wheels, not twelve.

1175. I would like to hear a TV cop show say, "The names of the guilty have been left in to embarrass the hell out of them."

1176. You cannot treat a sinkhole with Prozac.

1177. Why are hand grenades bigger and heavier than those that are launched?

1178. My doctor gave me the news: I have a mild case of loving you.

1179. Is there a connection between bran flakes and dandruff?

1180. A blackout on the Las Vegas Strip would look pretty eerie. At night, anyway.

1181. Should a coxswain wear a scull cap?

1182. The worst day having sex is not necessarily better than the best day at work.

1183. Instead of political mudslinging, the next presidential candidates should mud-wrestle.

1184. A watchmaker cleaned my clock.

1185. How come magnetic disks won't stick to my refrigerator?

1186. I can't be full of it if I just defecated.

1187. What could possibly have inspired the invention of the corn dog?

1188. There is more to making paper than simply ironing a tree.

1189. Compared to the ancient Egyptians, we spend a pittance on presidential funerals.

1190. When you cut the crap, don't use a good knife.

1191. Don't bungee-jump off your roof.

1192. Beer, tea and coffee are rented, not purchased.

1193. Rodney King joined the Billy Club.

1194. If you are an herpetologist, your homework may eat your dog.

1195. There are some very good reasons for men to stay out of ladies rooms.

1196. If you don't understand the sport, don't try to coach it.

1197. Liquid Plumber charges more than real plumbers. Do the math.

1198. If the fork is too heavy, get a forklift.

1199. What is an Oxnard? Why name a California city after it?

1200. When I plop, plop, it never does fizz, fizz.

[home][web design and development][writings][stores][about us][donations]