bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
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1301. When you put your mind to something, put your brain to it also.

1302. No good deed is ever forgiven.

1303. Life is like a bowl, but there are no cherries in mine...

1304. I forgot what I was supposed to forget, I think.

1305. Peacocks psyche me out every time.

1306. How come nobody called Simba the Lion Prince?

1307. Skiers wear snow schuss.

1308. What do you call permafrost that isn't frozen all the time?

1309. If using shovels, two half-wits make a hole.

1310. I bet some church, somewhere, has a pornographic hymnal.

1311. Bread has flour power.

1312. We will never elect a President named "Red."

1313. Couch potatoes should never take hot baths.

1314. Children should be jurors, not adults.

1315. If you live in the North and can run on ice, you don't need a treadmill in the winter.

1316. In dog terms, the daughter of a bitch is also a bitch. This usually applies to people too.

1317. If you want your face on a postage stamp, die.

1318. Paperwork creates paperwork.

1319. Smile when you are being scolded. It makes them wonder.

1320. Abstract art is meaningless, but some of it is pretty cool.

1321. Teen-age girls should not be allowed to sit on Santa's lap.

1322. Breast implants are depleting our planet's limited supply of silicone.

1323. I cannot imagine prostitution, if legalized, becoming a viable career choice for anyone.

1324. I have to pay tax on tacks. Is that double tacksation?

1325. I have never seen a Matchbox car that could really fit into a matchbox.

1326. You are cheap entertainment for mice and termites.

1327. If there is ginger ale and ginger beer, they should also make ginger dry, ginger ice, ginger dark, ginger lager, ginger pilsner...

1328. Hold out for dessert.

1329. Nobody ever says that their dog's bite is worse than their bark.

1330. Molar, bicuspid, incisor: Who names teeth anyway?

1331. It is not a good shot if the divot goes further than the ball.

1332. If a boxing ring was round, it would drive the boxers crazy to send them to a neutral corner.

1333. Don't allow the pastry chef to prepare the entrees.

1334. Why do the hands on a clock turn clockwise?

1335. I have seen more women in catfights than I have seen cats in catfights.

1336. If your spouse cheats on you, why get mad at the lover?

1337. A lawyer should wear his briefs in court.

1338. Dogs chase cars because they care, which is why cats don't.

1339. Golf courses could be much smaller if they used wiffle balls.

1340. There are only two kinds of motorcycle riders: those who have been in a serious accident and those who will be.

1341. If someone tells you not to be afraid, be terrified.

1342. There is no such thing as a person who does not need a hug.

1343. You cannot get a straight answer from a crooked man.

1344. The tool you need is always just out of reach.

1345. Cleaning the paperwork off your desk is an invitation to more paperwork.

1346. Prisoners should have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance twice a day.

1347. The Statue of Liberty needs Left Guard.

1348. A union with the word "United" in its name never votes unanimously for anything.

1349. "An arm like a cannon" will not set off an airport metal detector.

1350. Do wheelchair racers wear running shoes?

1351. I am what I am. It's in the contract.

1352. Loan sharks tend to be bottom-feeders.

1353. A goal, once attained, becomes a baseline.

1354. Congressmen should wear hip boots. At their rallies, so should we.

1355. The fairy tale never says outright that Goldilocks was a burglar and a vandal.

1356. I want to see Michael Jordan reverse slam-dunk a glazed donut from the foul line.

1357. The chicken pen is full of caca-doodle-doo.

1358. Do psychics get frequent-flyer credits on the astral plane?

1359. The obituaries and the comics should be on facing pages.

1360. How come a flag at half-staff is usually two-thirds of the way up the pole?

1361. Before even thinking about beating your spouse, child or anyone else, hold your breath for at least two hours.

1362. The world needs more hug donors.

1363. If most of the job is in the preparation, then why is that not what we call the "job"?

1364. The best opportunities of which to take advantage are those that make others happy.

1365. Tennis matches would take less time if they used coconuts.

1366. Why is a hockey puck shaped suspiciously like a horse turd?

1367. Somebody asked me who Dizzy Gillespie was. Because I knew, I felt old.

1368. Drawstrings and shoe laces are designed to get twisted up in the dryer.

1369. What kind of bugs does Bugs Bunny have?

1370. The platypus proves that God has a sense of humor. For that matter, you prove it too.

1371. Stupid does as stupid is, sir.

1372. Do dress designers pay Dennis Rodman NOT to wear their clothes?

1373. In pork-belly futures, the future of the pig is certain.

1374. In the sitcoms, you never hear someone say, "We're out of toilet paper."

1375. I bet that bugs who die on the grille of a Rolls Royce don't die happy.

1376. More tropical nations should have bobsled teams.

1377. Should those moving up the corporate ladder wear loafers?

1378. People who have both napkins and paper towels drive me nuts.

1379. You can always turn back the clock, but the time will then be wrong.

1380. Does the Erie Railroad have ghost riders?

1381. If you don't have time to get permission, make the time to apologize.

1382. Taking the blame for an error your supervisor made will cost you on your performance review.

1383. Is a Greek bullhorn called an Omegaphone?

1384. If the bull is not allowed to kill the matador, it's not much of a fight.

1385. Something tells me that the Russian Olympic Committee isn't happy with the 2002 Winter Games being held in Salt Lake City.

1386. Does Venice have a Root Canal?

1387. At Halloween, do not try to dribble the jack-o-lantern.

1388. Let a buffoon be a buffoon. Everyone lets you alone too.

1389. Cookie Monster should check into the Betty Crocker Clinic.

1390. Photographers suffer from hot flashes.

1391. Start doing something you enjoy and everyone else will get into the act, such that it will no longer be enjoyable.

1392. I can learn a lot from being ignorant.

1393. There are disadvantages to being omnivorous.

1394. Gossips have a sense of rumor.

1395. Money can buy happiness for others.

1396. The answer to your prayers may not be the answer you were hoping for.

1397. To a horny male chicken, there is always a fox in the henhouse.

1398. Would The Beatles have been better or worse if they swapped drummers with The Monkees?

1399. If Neil Armstrong had slipped on 20 July 1969: "That's one small step for man. One giant leap for...SHIT!

1400. I wish my newpaper came in pastel blue.

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