bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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1401. If you are happy, notify your face.

1402. U/R: the only difference between gouging yourself and gorging yourself.

1403. I want a fat-loss plan, not a weight-loss plan.

1404. Keep off the grass, and the crack.

1405. If you don't believe something, then you don't trust the source.

1406. Trash compactors compact more than trash.

1407. If you really paid attention, your clock would not need a minute hand.

1408. What dog would women wear on their skirts today?

1409. If "it runs like clockwork," one part runs pretty fast, one part runs slowly, and one part hardly moves at all.

1410. Never pass up an opportunity to make someone happy.

1411. Is a politician more like a great white shark or a largemouth bass?

1412. Nobody is born free anymore.

1413. Wasted time is spent, while quality time is invested.

1414. Appreciation lasts longer than rewards.

1415. Did Ed Sullivan wear a really big shoe?

1416. If your calculator doesn't always work, don't count on it.

1417. Cancer has a sense of tumor.

1418. Sneezing fits come at the worst time. So does flatulence.

1419. All shipwreck victims should be named Bob. Until they sink, anyway.

1420. Two large owls are NOT a pair of bodacious hooters.

1421. Only you can ignore your own farts.

1422. Should you use wallboard on the ceiling?

1423. Almost anything can be crunchy if you deep-fry it.

1424. Ironworkers develop erections.

1425. The vice squad picks up the dirty dishes.

1426. If I have a measuring tapeworm, will that tell me how long I will be afflicted?

1427. At medical clinics, you should get an injection and a shot at the same time.

1428. Should a gigolo have a liquor license?

1429. Dumb thing we often say: "May I ask a question?"

1430. You never tell a joke as well as when you first heard it.

1431. A horse wouldn't merely plod along if it really wanted to get to its destination.

1432. If cattle ranchers have cowboys, how come pig ranchers don't have sowboys?

1433. At the grocery store, use "one potato, two potato" to count the spuds.

1434. All cars should be equipped with road anchors as a last-ditch save if the brakes fail.

1435. If the French capital isn't mostly homosexual, then why do they call it "Gay Paree"?

1436. If someone says something really stupid, nobody will say, "I wish I'd said that."

1437. If you kill someone by beating him with a frozen turkey, you can cook the evidence.

1438. I have never seen a film clip of a giraffe fight.

1439. Quick! Name the last five heavyweight boxing champions! ("uh......, Tyson!, uh......., uh.....")

1440. Elton John's middle name is Hercules (Hercules???). It used to be Kenneth. What a change.

1441. I would like to see the Jackson Five fronted by Janet.

1442. How come cigarette butts smell badly, yet have no crack?

1443. Anyone could shoot baskets if the rim was as big as a Hula Hoop, even from half-court.

1444. Golf is one of the few civilized games that both sadists and masochists can enjoy.

1445. All trees are female if you only look at the crotch.

1446. If you put new rubber on your car, have you retired it?

1447. Why can I not mail a Post-It� note?

1448. Would you trust a doctor named Spike?

1449. Thread to needle: "Sew what's your point?"

1450. Try to be witty and you will make an ass out of yourself instead.

1451. If the person is allergic, you won't say anything with flowers but "have a sneeze."

1452. "Beso de muerte" sounds so much more pleasant than "kiss of death."

1453. I'd rather see addition through subtraction than division through multiplication.

1454. I really don't care if Barney loves me.

1455. If you're going to wear a muscle shirt, please have muscles.

1456. Is a female cockroach a henroach?

1457. The only way that I'd have a mink in my house is as part of a coat.

1458. I would much rather sail the Net.

1459. Don't take cats to the beach. It's the Sandy Clause.

1460. There is spider food in a real website.

1461. In the cosmic view, our own sun is relatively insignificant. By comparison, how do you think YOU rate?

1462. The moving van in you neighbor's driveway was not contracted by your neighbor.

1463. If you're a silent witness, what good are you?

1464. Skorts create the illusion of easy access.

1465. Small children can change your perspective, if you're smart enough to let them.

1466. If it has a bottle cap instead of a cork, you'll never believe that the wine's any good.

1467. If you drink and drive, don't take anyone with you.

1468. As soon as you cover a sneeze with your right hand, someone will come up and want to shake hands with you.

1469. The new shoes that you buy for that special event will give you at least one blister per foot.

1470. I'm not too proud to accept a huge sum of money that I know I don't deserve.

1471. Claudia Schiffer is a "supermodel." Where is her cape?

1472. A gay football-team owner would fill the roster with tight ends.

1473. I have no fears associated with the number... you know, the one after twelve.

1474. If the figures are right, you will have bad luck your whole life if you have broken nine mirrors for men or ten for women.

1475. Altruism almost never gets you elected.

1476. That noise your lawn mower just made signaled the demise of yet another sprinkler head.

1477. If you wore shoes and socks, then the soles of your shoes would never get dirty.

1478. If Hillary Clinton had two or more middle names, you know that she'd use all of them.

1479. Butterscotch is not a substitute for butter, unless you're under the age of nine.

1480. Every day, bachelors thank God for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

1481. I hate TV dinners. There's just so much plastic in the cabinets nowadays.

1482. If Bruce Willis' ex-wife were to fight the Japanese monster superhero, they could call it "Demi-Godzilla."

1483. Nobody wants the used cars that you can easily afford.

1484. Gum will not stick to your shoe if it's real cold out.

1485. Beach towels are never long enough unless you're really short.

1486. If you have to pay to hear someone talk, then it cannot be "free speech."

1487. When was the last time you washed with a washcloth?

1488. I cannot play pool with Q-Tips.

1489. A drunk can walk a straight line during an earthquake.

1490. Never permit anyone to bargain away your right to privacy.

1491. If your watch runs five seconds fast, it will be further ahead in two hours unless you reset it.

1492. Wear steel-toed shoes when you kick the tires.

1493. Is Teriyaki Chicken the cock of the wok?

1494. Banana bread and zucchini bread should be longer and thinner than other breads.

1495. Is someone who sculpts likenesses of people's heads a bust developer?

1496. Since it can sound like a vowel or a consonant, a Y must be bi.

1497. The disadvantage of a free press is that we learn things that we don't want to know.

1498. Bet the farm AFTER the fields have been worked out.

1499. You will say something embarrassing when you don't know that you're on speakerphone.

1500. Was Count Dracula good at math?

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