bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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1501. You could live on only breakfast cereal and milk. I didn't say that it would be a good life.

1502. These days, only teenagers are told to wear their rubbers.

1503. You cannot eat "Pheasant Under Glass" unless the glass is really, really big.

1504. A fart you can cut is actually a turd.

1505. Maybe the R in IRS stands for robbery and the S stands for stealing...

1506. Would YOU have thought to put pork in beans?

1507. Fat men should not wear large belt buckles.

1508. A sheep wearing a sweater is redundant.

1509. If it's in front of your house, why call it a sidewalk?

1510. You call it the dog pound. I call it a barking lot.

1511. You are at war with yourself if you favor mercy killing but oppose animal euthanasia.

1512. If you're playing wheelchair basketball, your vertical leap is zero.

1513. Never slam-dunk a child, especially in a pool.

1514. As she rode through the streets, everybody puked at the sight of Lady Cadaver...

1515. To me, a fish steak isn't a steak.

1516. If something unusual and bad happens to you, you don't care what the odds were that you would be afflicted.

1517. There is always more time to work than there is to have fun.

1518. If you enjoy your job, someone will think that you aren't doing it.

1519. The guy who never leaves his desk ends up getting the most work.

1520. Is it bad taste to give a homeless person a poor boy sandwich?

1521. You may call a certain ballplayer a bum, but he's probably making a lot more money than you are.

1522. You cannot tell the good guys from the bad guys by the color of their hats.

1523. Simplicity usually lacks documentation.

1524. Even if I could wiggle my ears, I probably wouldn't do it in public.

1525. In one place or another, we all think that we can sing well.

1526. Never print your resume on purple paper.

1527. Nobody throws tomatoes at bad performers anymore.

1528. We think of ourselves as better actors than those we see on TV and in the movies.

1529. A billboard promoting an event will still be up more than a month after the event.

1530. You can always spend more than you earn.

1531. A pack of gum is still a great tool to meet someone.

1532. In "Dragnet," Jack Webb could have been made of wood and we might not have been able to tell the difference.

1533. What size dress does Dennis Rodman wear?

1534. You always want a nicer desk than the one you have.

1535. Only sick people wash the coffee cups they use at work every day.

1536. Your employees never follow all of the rules all of the time.

1537. A shield less than one meter in diameter is much too small for attempting to slay a dragon.

1538. When I shoot basketball, it's nothing but hoop.

1539. If you didn't enjoy it, it was a wasted effort.

1540. In New Orleans, does Bourbon Street intersect with Water Street?

1541. Why is the number to report a lost or stolen credit card on the back of the card?

1542. If your kids don't have a computer, you'll never be able to use your own.

1543. The World Wide Web doesn't seem very well spread out around the world.

1544. You know you're going to have a bad day when your name is mentioned on "America's Most Wanted."

1545. Disney animated films have become a bit too sexy for kids.

1546. Wedding pictures never seem to portray the misery of being in a tuxedo or wedding gown.

1547. Teach your children to tie their shoes before getting them shoes with Velcro closures.

1548. T-shirts look less like a T on some people than others.

1549. Lincoln and Jefferson got nice memorials, but Washington got spiked.

1550. You can only really use the information that appears on one page of a whole computer magazine, if that much.

1551. Since the 5.25" disk fell out of use, floppy disks aren't floppy anymore.

1552. If the handle is a lever, it isn't really a door "knob."

1553. Most computer mice don't look like mice.

1554. If you need to make a left turn, it will not be allowed for another five blocks.

1555. If the car in front of you is going more than ten miles per hour less than the speed limit, the entire state will be a no-passing zone.

1556. Is an overheated horse hot to trot?

1557. Michael Jordan is great, but imagine if he could really play like he did in "Space Jam."

1558. If you lose your shirt, it helps to be wearing something underneath it first, especially if you're female.

1559. Your beliefs should be within your capabilities.

1560. Exercise machines work better on the infomercials than they do in your home.

1561. I bet that most cows aren't Cowboys fans.

1562. You have to be well-balanced to stay on the ball.

1563. Most people don't wear fanny packs over their fannies.

1564. I'd like to see Pete Sampras beat anyone on a Velcro court.

1565. Your bank statement is often a scolding.

1566. Weeds are smarter than you are.

1567. Should a software pirate have a Meg leg?

1568. Aladdin had a lamp, but he couldn't see the light.

1569. Address books should always be maintained in pencil.

1570. There is no such thing as a permanent employee.

1571. I wonder how many dopers have tried to smoke corned beef hash...

1572. Was the first cowboy cook named Chuck?

1573. One man's dog is another man's meal.

1574. Does a pronoun get paid for its work?

1575. Your company will not send you anywhere but to another company.

1576. Would a pornographic comic be called a "strip strip"?

1577. If cowboys ate steaks on cattle drives, then there were fewer arriving than they started with.

1578. If the phone is ringing when you get home, don't rush to get it. They'll hang up as soon as you get to the phone anyway.

1579. Soda crackers don't bubble.

1580. If you're working with small electronics, keep the hammer out of your toolbox.

1581. Another oxymoron: health spa in Death Valley.

1582. As you age, your dad's advice gets better.

1583. Never trust your computer more than you trust yourself.

1584. If a mountain had a bra, it might not erode.

1585. Your sister is beautiful if you have to remind yourself that she's your sister.

1586. A crutch is a perfect replacement for a broken table leg.

1587. I love to watch a dog or cat trying to run or stop on a tile floor.

1588. At 20, it's a hill. At 40, it's a mountain. At 60, it's Everest.

1589. If Mom says no, ask Dad. If Dad says no, tell Mom that Dad said yes.

1590. Classy people don't own lava lamps. Well, not orange ones anyway.

1591. If there's no traffic for miles and you run a stop sign, a police car will be waiting there for you.

1592. There is no such thing as a pleasant business trip.

1593. Pilots must remember that some canyons have only one open end.

1594. I love rock 'n' roll, but it never respects me in the morning.

1595. Always sign the guest book.

1596. An experienced teacher tends to make a lousy student.

1597. Your reaction to the lunch bell proves that Pavlov was right.

1598. If you only ride on level ground, can you still call it a "mountain" bike?

1599. Hemorrhoid patients never play musical chairs.

1600. A child can start anything growing in five minutes or less.

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