bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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1601. Do not allow a bullet to be the last thing to cross your mind.

1602. You can be immortal until someone comes up with a better idea than yours.

1603. Never be the first to do anything unless there's big bucks in it.

1604. A Pap smear even sounds disgusting.

1605. If Microsoft made glare-resistant glasses for computer users, they would probably call them "Windows for Windows."

1606. Your cat always knows where you left the remote, but will never tell you.

1607. Always order something before you need it.

1608. When watching a comedy/drama, I don't know how to feel.

1609. The difference between a snappy comeback and a lame reply is about two minutes.

1610. Always leave your girlfriend's Air Supply tapes on the dashboard.

1611. If you don't know enough about something to appreciate it, make fun of it.

1612. My doctor should have slapped my mother and father.

1613. Do you look for the union label?

1614. A workaholic should reduce his workahol consumption.

1615. When your child throws his arms around you and tells you that he loves you, would you really care if the world ended on that note?

1616. If your parents never had children, where did YOU come from?

1617. There is only one good night on television, and all of the networks have the shows you want to watch showing at the same time.

1618. The best doctor you ever had was your Mom.

1619. Never give your baby a name that you would be embarrassed to have.

1620. Some tattoos just shouldn't be visible.

1621. You never know when you'll need that 5-iron.

1622. If you're sure that you've lost weight, don't be afraid to step onto a scale.

1623. Dick Clark never seems to get older in the prize mailings either.

1624. Another oxymoron: "important memo."

1625. In basketball and football, one bad throw and it's back to defense. There's no easy out in baseball.

1626. Hard hats aren't _that_ hard.

1627. Most kids would rather die than eat something that they hate.

1628. The phone has a ring, but I know it's not married.

1629. Some people should wear ear plugs just to keep the wind from whistling.

1630. Could you respect someone named Muffy?

1631. Baby wipes are for adults too.

1632. You cannot purchase quality footwear for your family in a grocery store.

1633. Unless you become a doctor or lawyer, you're almost better off without a college degree than to be saddled with the student loans.

1634. A renewal notice accompanies your second issue of a new magazine subscription.

1635. Every cat has his night.

1636. You don't see as many fire hydrants as you used to.

1637. Almost nothing described as a "real workhorse" is actually a horse.

1638. The gravitational pull of white carpets against dark liquids is beyond measure.

1639. If you did not find what you were looking for, you couldn't possibly have "looked everywhere" for it.

1640. Every error made by a bank is ultimately found to be in favor of the bank.

1641. Checks always clear a day earlier than you thought they would.

1642. How come no country has a streamer instead of a flag?

1643. With the right lawyer, you can be convicted of anything.

1644. A police badge always looks bigger during an interrogation.

1645. You never have time to draw good pictures on your desk pad.

1646. Blame TV and the movies all you want, but video arcades turned killing into a game.

1647. Confucius might be a stand-up comic today.

1648. What did the 30-foot woman in the movies use for feminine hygiene?

1649. Do not use soap at an eyewash.

1650. Books are storehouses of information, but some of those storehouses should never have been built.

1651. The co-worker assigned to you will annoy you to resign, then take over your job. This is always by design.

1652. The course requirements will change before you complete your curriculum.

1653. Heavy-metal bands make their money from volume sales.

1654. Men with short hair and round-rimmed eyeglasses are automatically assumed to be boring.

1655. All of the people whom you would like to see naked are happily married to someone else.

1656. If you would not wear a sweater over a fur coat, don't put a sweater on your dog.

1657. Sometimes a steep learning curve is worth the climb.

1658. Never sink to somebody else's level, especially on a boat.

1659. You should get extra points in football if you score from beyond the 50-yard line.

1660. You don't get your name in the newspaper if you get a hole-in-one in miniature golf.

1661. It can be hard to tease a fat guy who goes by the name of Porky.

1662. The "Do not back up: Severe tire damage" sign will not be in a language you understand.

1663. Not only have movie theaters become smaller, but so have the marquees out front.

1664. What if you could only pass gas at a gas station?

1665. Video games need ratings more than TV shows do.

1666. There are plenty of available toilets five minutes before intermission.

1667. Never see a show to which you can easily obtain tickets.

1668. Not even today's DNA testing can prove that the man who raised you is your natural father.

1669. How does a fish carry a lunchbox to school?

1670. If the Caller ID box says "White House," don't answer the phone.

1671. A sterile cow is a milk dud.

1672. Only the universe is universal.

1673. When Irish eyes are smiling, the lad may be well-armed...

1674. Offending people is inevitable.

1675. You're in trouble if your psychiatrist doesn't understand you either.

1676. A time-shared prophylactic is a condom-minium.

1677. I'd rather have heat than light in cold climates.

1678. You are more likely to unintentionally kill yourself if you think that you know what you are doing.

1679. You can't tell if your cat is giving you a dirty look.

1680. A trash dumpster is really a litter box.

1681. If the doorbell is ringing, don't answer the banana!

1682. Delete without reading email with ominous subject lines.

1683. We never take the time to pray, but we'd find the time to send a fax if we could.

1684. Street people give you the chance to be charitable without leaving your car.

1685. Only demand a piece of ass if you are eating a donkey.

1686. Men don't think quickly in non-sex situations.

1687. Most of the people you hit with your car will have a sad or painful countenance.

1688. If you look like a dork with glasses, you will look like a blind dork without them.

1689. In "The Empire Strikes Back," Darth Vader should have called Luke a wimp in that scene at the end.

1690. Briefs are always too tight.

1691. Anything you like on the clearance rack will not be your size.

1692. Not all canned foods are meant for human consumption.

1693. If you think that your computer is slow, challenge it to a race of counting to 100. Give yourself a 90 head start and you'll still lose.

1694. Never tell a pregnant woman to have a ball.

1695. Wear a cup if you are to meet Dennis Rodman, and earmuffs if meeting Mike Tyson.

1696. You never really know what the back of your head looks like.

1697. Your ideas will be ignored, but those of others will be demanded.

1698. When a sow escapes from the pen, is that a pig out?

1699. You never spill on your clothes after a presentation.

1700. God must have the ultimate call-waiting system...

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