bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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1701. We are no better off than if Columbus had shipwrecked in the Azores.

1702. If it only has a shower, why do you call it a bathroom?

1703. You are truly an animal hater if you beat your dog with your cat.

1704. I'd like to hear the polka version of The Rolling Stones' "Honky Tonk Woman."

1705. The money always runs out before the enthusiasm.

1706. The angrier people get, the nicer you should be. It drives them crazy.

1707. One man's advanced is another man's basic.

1708. Programming VCRs is best done by small children.

1709. I can surf the Net, but I haven't figured out how to hang ten yet.

1710. People assume that others who have the same surname as you are your relatives.

1711. I wish I could hug the inventor of cookies.

1712. Somebody else's office always has a better view.

1713. What would the Secret Service do if you threw water balloons at a presidential motorcade?

1714. By themselves, rubber chickens are not that funny. It's the context.

1715. Never eat a dozen donuts at a single sitting.

1716. Do unmarried computer users have mouse bachelor pads?

1717. Always borrow from the person who always borrows from you.

1718. If your life is like a Woody Allen movie, get thee to a therapist, go!

1719. When the next big childhood-disease epidemic comes around, those who don't immunize their children will say "I told you so." Of course, only their own children will be the infected ones.

1720. At science-fiction conventions, introduce yourself as "Beep."

1721. Only baseball players look normal in baseball caps.

1722. Interplanetary exploration vehicles should be equipped with microphones.

1723. Most of the things you don't want to do anymore used to be fun.

1724. Why don't Cub Scouts grow up to become Lion Scouts, Tiger Scouts or Bear Scouts?

1725. Flying fish don't do it for the view.

1726. Yes, he's a doctor, but would you want a urologist diagnosing your foot problem?

1727. Don't marry someone you don't respect.

1728. Comic strips reflect life. Scary, ain't it?

1729. Have the tires gone flat on the Lunar Rover yet?

1730. There are worse ways to die than to be shot by a jealous husband, especially if you're over 70.

1731. What if the government had to approve your sexual performance?

1732. My job deserves to be called "work."

1733. Paperwork multiplies exponentially if it is allowed to do so.

1734. The trash-can liner never fits the can perfectly.

1735. I live in the suburbs, but I don't think that I've ever been to an urb before.

1736. Man has spent centuries attempting to extract knowledge from things that cannot speak while ignoring those who can.

1737. In traffic court, you're guilty until you prove yourself innocent.

1738. The right dog can find anything.

1739. If you knew everything, there would be nothing worth reading.

1740. You're more likely to break something if you won't have to pay for it.

1741. Since 1969, Richard Nixon's signature has been on the Moon. Wow.

1742. What percentage of the population actually eats breakfast cereals in Battle Creek, Michigan?

1743. If you see bad data, you CPU.

1744. Sure, I'll close my eyes. No, I won't peek...

1745. Eventually, the government will have to settle the 8-bun/6-hot dog controversy.

1746. How would you know that you didn't have time to buy a watch?

1747. How different would the world be if even one comic-book superhero actually existed?

1748. Salmon aren't _sent_ up the river.

1749. Don't eat crunchy pudding.

1750. If you feel that you need a ticket to get into Heaven, you are probably not going to get in.

1751. You know that you're maturing when adults start agreeing with you.

1752. Should there be a labor union for pregnant women?

1753. You never notice the product warnings until someone gets hurt.

1754. How many marine biologists are there in the Department of the Navy?

1755. It is better to wallow in mud than in self-pity, partly because you tend to look like you're having fun when doing it.

1756. It's better to do what's right than it is to do what's required.

1757. President Ford's "WIN" campaign failed because people look like idiots wearing pin-on buttons.

1758. In retrospect, I think I would have done everything differently.

1759. Some modern art doesn't look very modern.

1760. Everybody should have a green porch light.

1761. I'd rather hug someone than shake his/her hand.

1762. Mankind couldn't have prevented the invention of cauliflower, but we sure could have avoided using it for food.

1763. The older roller skates were more stable on cornering, but in-line skates look more upscale.

1764. Sometimes the best technology is none at all.

1765. Did the pharaohs run pyramid schemes?

1766. Just like a river, in multi-level marketing, the sediment settles to the bottom.

1767. Cornnuts confuse me. What the Hell are they really?

1768. Remember when free-base was related to hide-and-seek?

1769. How would things be different if JFK had ridden in a sedan instead?

1770. Before he died, Elvis was himself an Elvis impersonator.

1771. "Weird Al" Yankovic is a musical genius in somebody's view.

1772. At times, Daffy Duck can be quite lucid.

1773. How much weight is suspended directly above your head right now? (Roof, trusses, lights, upper floors and their furniture, etc...)

1774. You could fit more people in a cemetery if you put them in the ground upright.

1775. Should a statistician get involved in a mathematical relationship?

1776. In phone tag, it's hard to tell who's "it."

1777. I never got a passing grade on a golf course.

1778. Your pants are too tight if someone can tell if the coin in your pocket is showing heads or tails.

1779. You're never in the same career at 50 that you thought you wanted at 15.

1780. You don't need a tool to wrench your back.

1781. You don't know if it's clean unless you just washed it yourself.

1782. If you think the woman at whom you're looking has no breasts at all, turn her around and look at the other side.

1783. You can fix neither a television nor a person by hitting it.

1784. Isn't ironic that, in prison, murderers view child molesters as low-lifes?

1785. There's something intimidating about cashing in your chips at a casino.

1786. If you want your car stolen, it helps to leave the door unlocked.

1787. If it's not your job now, it will be soon.

1788. Would a fish want to be served with french fries?

1789. When a gazelle is being chased by a lion, is it instinctively trying to escape or is it really, REALLY scared to death?

1790. Do you care if your grocery-store clerk is a union member?

1791. All things considered, you never have time to consider all things.

1792. Nothing is more sobering than the testimony of a dead witness.

1793. Everyone can cook, but few can cook well.

1794. If you're lucky, people learn half of what they're taught.

1795. It's easier to say "I'll think about it" than it is to actually think about it.

1796. Whether "nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning" depends upon whether or not a hurricane is coming.

1797. Congress is in session if a hot breeze blows in from Washington, D.C.

1798. Sometimes, you can take the contents of your In box and move it directly to your Out box without doing anything else.

1799. You expect calendars to be correct.

1800. The greater your hurry, the longer the train is.

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