bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
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1801. Labor will embarrass management when it can.

1802. You'll be less late by driving the speed limit than you will be if you speed and get a citation.

1803. Bermuda grass is forever.

1804. Don't step on anything that clicks.

1805. I wonder if you have to pull the pin on an atomic bomb.

1806. You can always do worse.

1807. Isn't it a welder's job to smoke a joint?

1808. There are few brothers in any brotherhood.

1809. What does a dwarf call "dwarfish"?

1810. One of the greatest sins not listed in the Bible is to steal a Bible.

1811. There is no substitute for a poor substitute.

1812. You always think you look better or worse in a swimsuit than you actually do.

1813. I'd work out if it didn't have the word "work" in it.

1814. There is no point in having a plan if you don't carry it out.

1815. A congressman should have to carry his own luggage.

1816. Someone else always has a better computer than you have.

1817. Important people are not necessarily important to you personally.

1818. Somebody always wants the job done faster than it can be done well.

1819. The dolphins that swim next to ships under way are really just playing "chicken."

1820. If we understood the language of whales, we'd know exactly how boring they are.

1821. Making the payment today does not prove that you will be able to make the same payment next month.

1822. Even the best ones eventually end up dead.

1823. My bologna doesn't have a name at all.

1824. I'll start worrying when steel-toed work boots become the hot fashion.

1825. Don't ask me to like a candidate that I didn't vote for.

1826. Try to be entertaining and you'll be annoying. The reverse is not true.

1827. Cutting the crap requires a sharp wit.

1828. Air traffic controllers have more stress than postal workers, but you don't see them picking off passengers from the tower.

1829. I am invariably part of the problem, but am asked to help provide a solution.

1830. It is beneficial to have plausible deniability.

1831. Should you get a spin doctor to fix your turntable?

1832. Search engines don't follow your train of thought.

1833. Sometimes, you should leave the lens cap on.

1834. Do cannibalistic alligators eat shrimp croctail?

1835. The start of a childhood theological argument: "My God can beat up your God!"

1836. What did Freud think about while having sex?

1837. At least Bozo never sold out to Ringling Bros.

1838. I can do anything that I want to do. I just don't want to do anything.

1839. Wouldn't it be faster to pour a concrete wall than to build one with concrete blocks and mortar?

1840. My goldfish-farming venture went belly-up.

1841. Positive thinkers are always surprised when something goes wrong.

1842. You can usually kick a pacifist's ass.

1843. The jobs you like never pay enough.

1844. I'd like to die fast, but not soon.

1845. If you want to have a nice, quiet evening at home, you'll have to take the phone off the hook first.

1846. You cannot reason with the dead. Or with pets.

1847. You can't even go to the bathroom without doing paperwork.

1848. There was no good reason to invent linoleum.

1849. Everything either adds to or subtracts from quality of life.

1850. Doing the same old thing in a slightly different way does not make it "new."

1851. To return home from a place you really enjoy is a form of masochism.

1852. Imagine folding the first corrugated paper by hand...

1853. Somebody actually gets paid to design shipping cartons to hold a certain number of packages.

1854. An element of danger heightens the sexual experience, except for police officers.

1855. The sizes of donut holes should be consistent.

1856. If you fantasize about neighbors instead of movie stars, at least you're thinking about what's possible.

1857. You can't tell if the phone works by looking at it.

1858. Always check your brakes.

1859. I know that no supreme beings are mad at me. I realize that they're just playing.

1860. Nobody really understands reality.

1861. If you could harness the explosive power of popcorn...

1862. Knock, knock jokes don't work well with doorbells.

1863. Sometimes, the job is neither worth doing nor doing well.

1864. The accolades never match the effort.

1865. I still can't get used to using long filenames in Windows 95.

1866. Did Betty ever spank Bamm-Bamm?

1867. You never know if a terrorist is at the end of the runway with a Stinger missile.

1868. Be glad that you spend money better than you spend time.

1869. The car you have is never good enough.

1870. If wishes were horses, you'd probably still have to feed them oats and hay.

1871. It's not leisure time if you have to work at it.

1872. It's easier to finish anything when the finish line is in sight.

1873. Being unsupervised almost requires you to goof off now and then.

1874. Bad news motivates better than good news.

1875. When punishing children, the child isn't the only one who gets punished.

1876. Someone who brings their lunch to work doesn't always have time to eat it.

1877. Few good movies are ever considered to be good movies by critics before release.

1878. If you don't punch a time clock, they can't prove you were late.

1879. If you can't pronounce someone's name, at least make sure to spell it right.

1880. Constructive criticism may at any time be viewed as nagging.

1881. Pictures prove how silly you can look.

1882. Putting an insulated lunchbox in a refrigerator does not cool the inside of the lunchbox.

1883. I believe that a dogwood's bark is worse than its bite.

1884. The U.S. and Canada should decide on a standard format for bacon.

1885. Is anybody allowed to roller-skate inside the Pentagon?

1886. The speed of a message's delivery should mirror the importance of the message.

1887. How come pork chops don't come from the pig's mouth?

1888. Never use a plate when a paper towel will suffice.

1889. Agreeing with traffic cops drives them nuts.

1890. Being paid to do something doesn't mean that you do it well.

1891. Ignorance isn't bliss if you are ignorant of the law.

1892. If you have to send it back, you shouldn't have ordered it to begin with.

1893. Never wear good shoes to do yard work.

1894. Why not empower prisoners to be their own guards?

1895. Safety equipment never guarantees that you won't get hurt anyway.

1896. Why is a deep-fried ball of corn bread called a hush puppy?

1897. There is no such thing as good coffee, or bad creamed corn.

1898. Macaroni & cheese tastes better right out of the pan.

1899. Why would anybody buy sandwich bags with the folding top anymore?

1900. They won't open another register until each line has exactly nine people in it.

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