bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
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1901. What's good news for you isn't always good news for everyone.

1902. If you save the best for last, you'll be too full to eat it.

1903. Never be too old to enjoy playing cars or Barbies with your kids or grandkids.

1904. The critical speed limit sign will be obscured.

1905. Eat french fries hot, no matter what.

1906. Is a straight banana a social climber?

1907. I said I'd pay you Tuesday, but not in what month.

1908. Earn the wrath of your neighborhood by making your favorite curse word your dog's name.

1909. Since everything is always somebody's fault, we should execute Somebody before he strikes again.

1910. I was the Teflon sudent. Nothing that they taught me stuck.

1911. No matter what I'm doing, I'd almost always rather be doing something else.

1912. I like jobs that I don't have to wake up for.

1913. See things through the eyes of a child and you'll realize how ridiculous they are.

1914. After this long, Ken should give up on Barbie and move on.

1915. Turn signals should not be left on for more than five miles.

1916. Not liking surprises may cause someone not to unexpectedly give you a huge sum of cash.

1917. If you lock your door at work, someone will complain to your boss about it.

1918. Anything readily available and unmonitored will be stolen.

1919. I still can't get the hang of paddle ball (whap, whap, whiff...).

1920. Most spies probably don't wear sneakers on the job.

1921. How much fish do U.S. Navy SEALs eat?

1922. You can't pry open a fish's mouth with a sushi bar.

1923. It doesn't matter whose fault it is so long as I don't get blamed.

1924. There is no such thing as a conveniently-located cactus.

1925. Normally, only anesthesiologists can pass gas three ways.

1926. The man in the caboose is the last to notice the derailment.

1927. The hammer you have is always either too small or too large.

1928. Nervous people need gun control.

1929. Never support a candidate whose mascot is a waffle.

1930. Not everyone who was born in the U.S.A. thinks it's worth singing about.

1931. Coastal states have a reason, but how come so few states are rectangular?

1932. If you only write a pamphlet, are you still considered an author?

1933. An eraser should be in the middle of the pencil.

1934. College professors should never write with their right hand and erase with their left at the same time.

1935. Your sprinkler system should be able to tell that it's raining like hell.

1936. Why can't my waistline suffer from erosion?

1937. What if there was acid rain in the 1960's?

1938. I guess you have to overdose or blow your brains out to be a legend anymore.

1939. Your computer mouse should have its own hole in the wall.

1940. I have an algebraic calendar. Only my daughter can figure out what day it is.

1941. Some jobs are hard to start, while others are hard to finish. Most of mine are both.

1942. Never make a commitment that you can't back out of when necessary.

1943. How many movie critics actually like popcorn?

1944. One of the problems with having a pseudonym is that if you get arrested, the news always reports your real name too.

1945. Good spellers still make typos.

1946. You are equally likely to have half as much as you need as you are to have twice as much as you need.

1947. Did "Candid Camera" ever catch Allen Funt singing in the shower?

1948. Everybody is more sedate in public than in private.

1949. If you or your family would be embarrassed if you died while engaging in a particular activity, then don't do it.

1950. We are responsible for our present and our past, but not our kids' shenanigans.

1951. Today, they would have accused John Smith of child molestation in the Pocahontas case.

1952. Isn't the Wonderbra just an update of the busty fashion of the French Revolutionary period?

1953. One year at the Oscars, a woman wore a dress that was made entirely of American Express gold cards. Who supplied the dozens of cards?

1954. Never stand between a couple of male bison during mating season.

1955. It's easy to say goodbye to someone you don't like.

1956. If you disciplined your children properly, you may not have to discipline your grandchildren at all.

1957. More comes in the In box than goes out the Out box.

1958. There is no job security in ensuring that everyone in your department can do your job just as well as you can.

1959. Dead dogs wag no tails.

1960. I always feel better right before surgery than right after it.

1961. Would a Native American make a maize dog?

1962. Getting married instantly makes a man more attractive to single women.

1963. Auto insurance is betting that the cost of your next collision will exceed the total of your premiums.

1964. Never hint at a future conversational topic and walk away without explaining what you meant.

1965. Somehow, you always end up with the home phone numbers of those you really don't need to know.

1966. You're probably in a low-income group if you eat both ramen soup and macaroni & cheese more than once a week.

1967. Not everything that looks good feels good.

1968. There is a real difference between smooth and soft. I prefer soft, personally.

1969. Why are there no firefly extinguishers?

1970. Never pet an animal with a brick in your hand.

1971. Sentimental women are more accepted than sentimental men.

1972. Would you go straight to Hell for donating money to a preacher after he had been convicted of violating one of the Commandments?

1973. Mike Tyson should NOT have stayed hungry.

1974. In all these years, how many employees have been killed on the job at Disneyland, "the Happiest Place on Earth"?

1975. Shoelaces wear out about three months before the shoes.

1976. I could kick the Crunch Berry Beast's ass.

1977. Most Muppets don't play soccer.

1978. It seems like there are no video games available that don't involve killing or destruction.

1979. Does a sumo wrestler have to wrap his loincloth himself?

1980. In some karate exercises, yelling is in the script.

1981. The opposite of ketchup is throwup.

1982. Some of the most violent people I ever met never used weapons.

1983. It's only a stupid game if you don't understand it.

1984. Would you want to tell your grandchildren that you were a professional wrestler?

1985. You only find out something is solid after you kick it.

1986. If a woman has long fingernails, you never know which one she picks her nose with.

1987. Eyeglasses are not designed to stay clean.

1988. How come there are no sexually-transmitted diseases among dogs?

1989. An ear of corn looks nothing like an ear, but listens as well as most.

1990. I can't believe that there's actually an award for the most attractive new license plate.

1991. Never start something that you'll regret finishing.

1992. Demand the praise that you deserve.

1993. Not everybody thinks you're wonderful all of the time.

1994. Your multi-million-dollar project will be delayed due to the failure of a part worth less than fifty cents.

1995. The people who make you want to find another job are the last to understand why you want to leave.

1996. What starts out fun usually ends in pain.

1997. It's better to retain too much documentation than too little.

1998. In any divorce, the best revenge is maintaining a close relationship with your in-laws.

1999. Why do they label fruit now?

2000. You can enjoy anything more if you stop trying so hard.

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