bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

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2001. Juicy rumor: Bill Gates caused the Year 2000 problem on purpose.

2002. Would you admit to having the job of condom tester for Trojan?

2003. How come light beer weighs just as much as regular beer?

2004. The best way to toot your own horn is quietly.

2005. The customer is always wrong, but try to humor him.

2006. Most animals only get eaten once.

2007. Did MacArthur have a corn cob pipe due to a shortage of toilet tissue tubes?

2008. If you make a fool of yourself, laugh along with the others.

2009. When you were five minutes late for school, you got the same "tardy" mark as the guy who was an hour late.

2010. If experts were never wrong, they wouldn't carry malpractice insurance.

2011. Just because you made something happen doesn't mean that you can explain how or why.

2012. All the good excuses have already been invented.

2013. You can't really call someone who cares for a quarter anymore.

2014. It's hard to have faith when reality is kicking your ass.

2015. Written, detailed lists of your job duties are to be feared.

2016. Teach people everything that they know, but not everything that you know.

2017. The job that doesn't need to be done right away probably doesn't need to be done at all.

2018. How do they know that a humpback whale's "singing" isn't actually
A) crying in pain, or
B) complaining about the environmentalists?

2019. Those who want to be daredevils should never be prevented from doing so. Thus is the intellectual level of the gene pool elevated.

2020. Most things described as being "hotter than Hell" aren't really.

2021. The game takes longer to assemble than to play, or to break.

2022. If reversing the batteries will ruin it, you'll reverse the batteries in your first effort.

2023. The Christmas tree never falls toward the wall.

2024. The faulty bulb is at the other end of the string. So is another one.

2025. The only Christmas tree that shouldn't have a fence or gate around it is in a cemetery.

2026. Non-Jews don't bother to find out when Chanukah is.

2027. I wish someone would decide once and for all whether the Jewish holiday is spelled Hanukkah or Chanukah.

2028. A Hanukkah bush is a circumcised Christmas tree.

2029. There are few things more dangerous during the holidays than an unstable menorah.

2030. The flash won't go off unless you're in bright sunshine.

2031. You will have every kind of battery known to creation except the batteries that your camera needs.

2032. Most of your pictures will look stupid, particularly if you're in them.

2033. Everybody hams it up for the camcorder.

2034. For most people, shopping in the last three days before Christmas is the only penance for their sins that they ever do.

2035. No matter what you want, it's always, "I'm sorry. We sold the last one ten minutes ago."

2036. Only Santa Claus and Richard Pryor would wear a red suit.

2037. For children, there's no time to like the present.

2038. At Christmas, we are reminded of why we avoid our other family members the rest of the year.

2039. The smart child puts Vaseline on his cheeks before family get-togethers.

2040. Masochists: Never get a woman jewelry when a household appliance will suffice.

2041. Never make the same new years' resolution more than three years in a row.

2042. The box always takes more wrapping paper than you thought it would, and more tape than you have.

2043. Every holiday season, after you have purchased other items, you will buy at least one item that takes two hands to carry.

2044. If there was a tape in your camcorder during the holdays, it was probably your wedding video.

2045. If you give your dog a present, remember that you wouldn't wear a sweater over a fur coat.

2046. Isn't it torture to wrap a gift for a small child who cannot unwrap it?

2047. Newton's Holiday Law: What lights go up, must come down.

2048. To keep the cat out of your artificial tree, electrify it.

2049. The least responsible family member will be asked, and will fail, to bring the main course for dinner. Just like last year.

2050. Open presents after dinner or at least one will end up in the cake.

2051. A disappointed adult pouts longer than a disappointed child.

2052. Forgetting a gift for one person is worse than not buying anything for anyone.

2053. Never buy a ViewMaster for a 15-year-old (my mom actually did this to me, then later went to prison on an unrelated charge).

2054. For a woman who has been sterilized, pregnancy is inconceivable.

2055. Shouldn't that anti-car-theft slogan have been, "Take the keys, Lock your car" instead of the other way around?

2056. Your creditors will not like it if you give up writing checks for Lent.

2057. "That's not my job" is no defense.

2058. If you fart in the elevator, get off as soon as you can. Hit all the buttons if you have to.

2059. Camera self-timers go off about two seconds too soon.

2060. Brain tissue communicates with the rest of the body with cell phones.

2061. One of the problems with always having two cents' worth to put in is that it's not always money well-spent.

2062. The longer a grudge is carried, the heavier it gets.

2063. Cars look more sporty in commercials if they're shown skidding sideways in water.

2064. If you can make tea with it, I don't want it in my hair.

2065. Life is too short for me to have to deal with stupidity.

2066. It takes Juan to know Juan.

2067. If half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at, most people are no more than half-smart.

2068. It could be worse, but that's no consolation.

2069. Don't ask me for anything. I'm not a waiter, that's not my table, and I don't work here.

2070. Your cat doesn't care about you, but cares whether or not you care about it.

2071. It doesn't get any better than this. Sad, isn't it?

2072. If you think education is expensive, try Ignorance, the new fragrance from Calvin Klein.

2073. You have a slightly different set of values when you're throwing up. (Thanks to George Carlin)

2074. You can count on children and co-workers to say dumb things, but they sound cute coming from the children.

2075. If it's mostly dead, it might as well be totally dead.

2076. Sometimes I don't care to know, and sometimes I don't know to care.

2077. The hard part is to be childlike without being childish.

2078. If money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it. (Thanks to Weird Al Yankovic)

2079. In a dog-eat-dog world, some of the dogs are happy, and some of them aren't.

2080. It's not who you know. It's... um... What was your name again?

2081. If you have to be a target, it's better to be a moving one.

2082. There are few things more dangerous than an idle mind in a smart, cute child.

2083. Nothing unintentional ever happens in a manner convenient to your schedule.

2084. Misery loves company, but it hates publicity.

2085. Things can always get worse, even when it seems that they can't.

2086. No endeavor can be considered worthwhile if others do not benefit.

2087. The value of any endeavor is directly proportional to the number of people who will benefit from its accomplishment.

That's all so far...

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